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Battle in my Mind.

by Abnormal.Thoughts

Ive been on this site a while reading everyone else’s thoughts, I would have said so much to all of you but I didn’t want to register.
I’ve been struggling with thoughts of suicide since I was 14, I am now about to turn 30 so it’s been more than half my life. I attempted at 16, as much as one can attempt to shoot oneself without pulling the trigger before getting caught. The good news is that the past 7 years were an easy fight, I felt purposeful and had a job I loved, but now that job feels like a cage and I have no direction in life and no motivation to try and find one.
I wrote my notes to my family and friends and I have what I need to end my pain, it feels just like pulling that trigger did 14 years ago and I’m struggling to find the courage to go through with it. Whomever said suicide is cowardly or easy was wrong. It is more difficult to leave everyone and everything than most can imagine.
I don’t want to keep going through this life, fighting to stay in my own mind and body. I’m trying to find the courage to leave but so far no luck.
I’m pretty sure I’m crazy, my inner voice is too loud, I can’t think or focus, and I have an endless sinking in my belly. I am also diagnosed with BPD and it is very confusing to be mostly feeling good one minute and want to die more than ever the next minute. I don’t know how to handle that.
I just told my two closest friends since I decided I couldn’t go through with it and needed help, while both were concerned I don’t think it helped me and now I just get the kicked puppy look if I’m not acting happy.
Yes I want help but I’m not sure what that looks like. I worry less about the cutting and more about the suicidal thoughts. I had the when, where, how, and I wrote my notes and everything but at the set time I just kept going because I can’t actually do it. I’m scared of failing, scared of succeeding and regretting it when it’s too late, I’m scared of getting help and I don’t want to keep going. Seriously, the cutting doesn’t even scratch the surface of my crazy right now. (Get it, ha ha)
And yes, serious conversations make me uncomfortable and so I usually make light of them and blow shit off and then regret it but I can’t help that. I’m afraid to go to a therapist or counselor because I don’t want to be put in the psych ward again on suicide watch (went there at 16). And what’s the point if you can be honest with them about your feelings?
I’m losing hope of getting over this and running out of ideas.

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