I bought a few helium tanks today but later read that the fuckers are no longer 100% helium and will not work. Pisses me the fuck off. I called around town and can’t seem to secure one. God fucking damn it! I even bought the fucking air tubing. FUCK!!!!
I think I have another method lined up. I am at peace with this. I hate bring alive. I hate myself and who I am. I want to die, like now already.
I was abused in a cult and (trigger warning! – scroll down)
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I tortured by these people, was caged naked and “starved” (I was not really starved, I just thought I was because I was a kid and was hungry. ) So, to this day I cannot be restrained, I will not be held, and I WILL NOT be locked up. I refuse to fly because my choices are to let someone see me naked or feel me up. Fuck both. All of what I have just said that has happened is true, but it has left me really fucked up and I am a mess right now.
Anyhow, with this fucking bullshit virus panic (and this is ONLY my opinion and I do not want to start any kind of argument) I think the whole thing is being blown way the fuck out of proportion and is no more than an excuse to take total and permanent control over citizens. Again, my opinion and please – I don’t want to fight.
But what I see as a hostile takeover by my government reminds me a hell of a lot by the group that abused me. I am being restrained. I am being held against my will. And this is where my common sense ends and the terror from my past begins: I fear, whether rationally or not, that at any minute a government official will drag me away to be killed. Yes, I realize I have lost my fucking mind and yes, I realize I feel this way because of the abuse.
So I have made a decision, it is time. I am going to anotehr state tomorrow to buy a beautiful porch swing, come home, assemble it, lay out in the evening air and listen to the spring peeper frogs sing. I will do my best to make peace with my life, forgive myself for being disgusting, worthless, and pure shit, then end my life.
I am going to end my life before these government fuckers do, and even if I am pure fucking crazy, I am going to end my life because I can’t deal with what happened. I can’t live with the torture memories. I can’t live with what happened. I can’t and I won’t, and I just want to die in peace.
1 comment
In no way can I relate to your past and that type of torture. The amount of trauma of those experiences are of Hell. Considering I’m on this site I can understand why you would want to die and can probably only relate to those core emotions. I have a thought for you to possibly consider…
Personally, one of my many problems is I have no passion in anything to live for. Just another husk with a mask on doing the “responsible thing.” I wish I had something or someone to live for. To give love to. To defend for. To fight for something. A real passion to make a difference.
The amount of emotion you feel towards what happened to you is driving so many feelings and thoughts that are showing no other answer then to end the pain and die. But… there are people out there who go threw similar things you did. They’re sick people who brainwash people’s minds and abuse and spread manipulative thoughts for their own hellish goals. The people who’ve experienced what you’ve been threw or are right now…. they need you. You are someone who has survived threw abuse all this time and your someone who could truly fight for people like you cause only you know how horrible the cult mentality can be. And if you could do that, if you could save a life maybe it could help give you relief and to make a difference that could matter to you. Maybe give you a reason to want to live and even one day experience life positively.