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academics ruin me

by namrahellz

y’know, maybe i should be working on the assignments i said i would instead of letting one email get to me like this. But I can’t. I already put this up on a vent channel elsewhere but I deleted it because my friends were on there and I felt like such a bother. I mean, the person who got me here was me and me alone, why should I involve others like this? Then again, I just really wanted to get something out there other than keeping it in my mind and have it tear me down. I’ve always felt better after getting it out one way or another. But I just can’t help but hate myself and laugh at myself for not being able to tell the right people my thoughts, I just fear it. The thing is, since the beginning of the second semester, I chose not to do any assignments in spite of my parents. They’ve always wanted me to excel in my studies and used me to keep up their name. My extended family is toxic as hell and have broken my parent’s very name down to nothing. They wanted me to change that; they wanted to show that garbage could raise a daughter that were better than their children. The pressure is real and it only gets worst when everything gets slapped in my face. When my parents tell me I can’t call or talk to my own cousins because I’m the plague their family doesn’t want to infect my cousins and I should distance myself and continue striving to be better. When I’m reminded that my grandparents have a lot of connections and people watching me to tattle on my every move to turn a golf ball into a fucking 4,500kg wrecking ball in one call. I hate all of this. And I hate myself. I get it. I’m unsatisfactory, a plague, a disappointment, a leech, a *****, a fat ugly *****, and I can see the gleam of delight in their eyes as they watch me crumble under their call. So what did I decide to do? Rebel, by getting all F’s and feeling great about it. Until my teachers decided to go out of their way to involve my parents. All this time, I rebelled silently. I’m confident enough to rebel but too much of a coward to make it loud. And my parents still, after 3 months, don’t know about my grades. (And I still can’t get over the fact that my worth is deemed by these numbers.) And now, my rebellion just might come to light and I am absolutely terrified and scrambling to turn in all of my missing assignments to keep my teachers at bay. I have less than a week to turn in almost an entire semester’s worth of work though. I’m not here to complain about all the work, I understand that it was my fault for choosing to do so. But I was just so happy, being free from it all I let it go on for this long. I can’t end the semester with such grades, I was once a student who had near perfect grades so my sub-consciousness won’t accept that. But, while I’m slowly climbing out of the hole I dug for myself, I’m being knocked over by the anxiety of my parents finding out and having them break me because I’ve become “worthless”. My teachers going out of their way to contact my parents– terrifies me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have done this in the first place. This is the price of my decision but I was happy being free for that time and I still want to be. It was either break under the pressure to be of worth or to break under being “worthless” by my “own” doing. I’m trying to climb back up. I know I was dumb. But please, if they involve my parents I won’t even be there to turn in those assignments. My life shouldn’t be revolving around this and I just might– make sure it won’t— I mean it won’t if I don’t have a life anymore, right?

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Christina_the_Cat 4/8/2020 - 4:35 pm

Please watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PsLRgEYf9E
I know what you’re feeling because I’ve been in the same situation. I know how hard it is to have parents who put so much pressure on you, have extreme expectations and measure your worth by your grades. But you are more than just some cold numbers. These grades… they don’t define you!
My advice for you is to do what they tell you to do but without letting their words affect you, for you are beyond their understanding. School is a prison, but you can escape anytime through something that breaks any cell: your mind. And don’t worry: one day, you’ll also be physically free. At 18 years old, you’ll be able to run away and do whatever you want with your life. Just be patient and it’ll be alright.

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