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My roller coaster

by justlilme33

I can’t fit my whole life into just this page, but I have dealt with depression, multiple types of anxiety, anorexia, adhd, insomnia, chronic migraines, and ocd almost my whole life. There have been times where I have been one step away from suicide. I have called the suicide hotline, wrote suicide letters, etc. I was supposed to be admitted before this coronavirus panic started and now I am stuck in my house with a father that doesn’t understand. I have my good days, but my bad days are so much lower than my good days are high. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth dealing with those lows to only have a small bump of a high before going right back to the low. Whenever I talk to certain people about this, they always tell me I am too sensitive or overreacting, and I know that I am. But I can’t stop. I wish I could but every little thing that someone says to me that is not even negative, but just isn’t positive, my brain takes, holds onto, dwells on, and twists in any way to make me feel worthless. The days after I hit my lowest lows, I get some of my highest highs. I always have hope because of that, but those highs last one or two days before beginning to plummet again. I am so loud and friendly that I feel so bad when I don’t interact with people, but interacting with people is what causes me to feel my lowest. I don’t know what to do anymore. Even on my happy days, I know that I am just ignoring the voice in the back of my head saying I will never be good enough. I try to block it out, but it is never gone and it is tiring to have to try to block it out every day. At my happiest times, I always feel like my happiness is a false effort of me to stay alive, as though my happiness is never real, but rather my brain toying with me. I feel like that right now. I feel like everything around me in my life is going okay, but I still feel like my happiness isn’t real, like it’s just my brain playing with me and showing me what other people feel like before ripping me back down to how I really feel.

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