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Nothing means anything.

by ctog563

I almost started a chat with a suicide prevention person – or whatever. I felt totally pathetic. Let me text some random person on some suicide website and tell them my problems, so stupid.

Right now I’m just so angry. Angry at my self. Angry at this fucking virus that is changing everything and could kill my husband. Angry at this country I call my home.

Disappointment is an understatement. People are actually suffering and I’m crying in my nice bathroom located in my nice condo. It’s truly absurd and I hate myself for it.

Nothing in my life has been terrible, but nothing has been amazing either. Mediocre is the best description. And if I’m being honest, my life is the way it is because I made it this way.

I am mentally ill, but I’ve never seen more clearly than I see right now. The world runs on money, life is expendable, and I’ve never been more scared for myself and my fellow human beings.

I’m truly horrified and I don’t want to be here. I’m starting to lose this fight and I can only practice mindfulness so much before the pain begins to creep back in.

I don’t want to be here, but I can’t leave, I’m trapped in my body. Im trapped in my head.

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1 comment

pegris 4/13/2020 - 4:18 pm

I know how you feel. But if there are no other constants in life, there is change. So this will change, given at least a little time. For better or worse, nobody knows.

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