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i first found out about ‘suicide forums’ when i was reading from a (shocker) suicide book. i quickly looked at the website, convincingly telling myself it was out of curiosity. closed the tab as if spending any more time on it would spread to me and infect me. it did. it became something i did a lot. reading through pages and pages of people and their thoughts. ironic to see so many alone people feel alone together. at this point i wouldn’t say i’m sad, i’m still. i wish i could write about how everything has messed me over. i feel drained, empty, tired of feeling out of place.  i am fearful i will feel like this my entire life, unsatisfied. i sound spoiled. there’s nothing wrong with getting married, having kids, buying a house. it is too predictable. is there a point where i ‘learn to grow up’ where i realize everyone feels this way but just ignores. settles. i don’t want an expensive car. i don’t want a big house. i don’t want followers. i want to be someone. hypocritically i write on a suicide website. this is my problem. i can’t choose whether i want to change the world or take myself from it. different parts of the brain. i feel myself becoming more hopeless. be someone. be known for your kindness. impact people. you’ll never be anyone why try, end it before you’re in too far. i am so scared of ordinary. i’m scared my fear of ordinary will make me ordinary.

i am so privileged. the guilt is eating me up. ending it is cowardly but people would get over it. life moves on. people eventually move on.

17, venus.

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10 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/6/2020 - 7:08 am

Nice to see you on here this morning. I could never get married or have children, also I am predicting I will never have the funds to buy a house. So instead, I spend every moment of every day planning and thinking of suicide… I’ve been planning suicide since 12. I’ve always hated my life, sadly I am still alive but I planned to be committed already. I was supposed to shoot myself 7 years ago.

venus. 4/6/2020 - 2:55 pm

i’m glad you are here today.

Christina_the_Cat 4/8/2020 - 5:00 pm

I also won’t get married and won’t have children, but that’s alright! I’m very happy as a virgin and I’m glad that I’m still alive. It’s amazing that you didn’t shoot yourself 7 years ago: maybe it’s a sign that after all, there’s a reason for you to live and you must keep holding on.

a1957 4/8/2020 - 8:50 pm

Childhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/6/2020 - 8:53 am

Money and material goods don’t make you happy. Many rich people have committed suicide too. I don’t have the formula for happiness, wouldn’t be here if I did, but I believe it has more to do with feeling useful and meeting goals.
I think we are so wired to live that when we want to die it’s always a battle with ourselves, it’s not unusual to want to die but want to make a difference at the same time. The world is too big.

anonymous 4/6/2020 - 9:38 am

If 17 is your age I’m both impressed and saddened. Most people don’t arrive at this sort of self-awareness, probably because the human mind has an instinct to protect itself. So you’re right, people get wrapped up in marriage, kids, a house, a flashy car and every other meaningless pursuit out there. All distractions. Some people even distract themselves with pain and misery. Very few people truly stop and take inventory of exactly where, what and whom they are.

The good news is that this sort of thinking can (sometimes) lead to a satisfying existence. Especially in your case where I assume you haven’t gotten yourself trapped yet. By trapped I mean married, with kids, with career, debts, obligations and responsibilities that block your choices. Right now it sounds like your only trap is fear and guilt and other self-made prisons. These thoughts can be just as hard to break out of. But try chipping away little by little. Take chances, explore, and get involved with meaningful causes. This may help you break out of the rut that has claimed so many of us. It gets deeper the longer you stay in it, so now is your best chance of escape.

venus. 4/6/2020 - 3:18 pm

your comment is my favorite because it’s very honest yet comforting. i don’t know your age but i hope you don’t feel trapped either. i am 17, it’s intimidating. everything i do feels like it has to forward my future yet i know i won’t be a kid forever. normal for a teen isn’t the same as normal for an adult. partying at 18 is cute and young, partying at 40 is creepy or abnormal. my teen years are slipping away. life is complicated. but i will try to prioritize taking chances and maybe even just relaxing. easier said than done. thank you again.

anonymous 4/6/2020 - 6:15 pm

I’m glad it helped a little. I totally understand about “my teen years are slipping away”. Although I’m well past my teens (mid 30s here), I’ve always felt like I missed the party. for example, even though half my school was into drinking and drugs, I didn’t discover drinking until late 20s and I still haven’t tried drugs, nor will I ever I’m sure. But again the good news is, in hindsight I see that partying took its toll on all my classmates who ended up in bad health, haggard or dead by the time they hit 30. So who knows, maybe you’ll come out ahead if you skip all the wild crazy teen stuff. You sound too mature for that stuff anyway.

I’m sure it sucks to see everyone else doing normal social activities while you feel like an outsider. But, if you look at history, that’s a recipe for greatness. Back to your original thought about being “ordinary”, I don’t think you need to worry about that. The fact that you’re questioning life, rather than blindly going along for the ride, makes you very un-ordinary. All that remains is to channel this into something big.

You said “i can’t choose whether i want to change the world or take myself from it.” I vote for changing the world first. You can always kill yourself later, not the other way around 🙂

venus. 4/6/2020 - 8:18 pm

well said

Christina_the_Cat 4/8/2020 - 4:52 pm

Wow… I relate so much to you!!! I know these type of feelings all too well, unfortunately. This is how modern society works: it’s all about profit and material stuff. So, people are conditioned to become nothing more than machines that work, love and die. But your soul is yearning for something greater. The world has been lying to you all along: you will never be happy with the ordinary things, for you are extraordinary and are seeking the higher realms of existence. Please, don’t end your life; begin it instead. Isolate yourself in the forest for a few days, let time flow, dive fearlessly into deep introspection, connect with your true self, with the mysteries of the universe, with the unexplainable. You have a special calling, but you must know yourself and follow your bliss. Good luck!

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