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I’m 38 years old this year, and I still don’t know what to do, and whether I should continue to live, or just die?

by niki

Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.

I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for the future of civilization/mankind/humanity, to make a real progress & “leap jump” in the future. For example, I seriously think that the real, truest “meaning of life” is to make a HUGE progress, a sort of evolution, for the future. And for our Human species, in my opinion, the real purpose is to unlock our wildest potential: our human’s Imagination. And I’m talking about all those most creative, artistic, & imaginative human’s minds for example like in all those most imaginative, fantasy, sci-fi movies, games, novels, comics, anime/manga, and any other most amazing work of arts. So in my opinion, our humanity/mankind/civilization’s most important & biggest task is to turn all those imaginations into a reality. And that’s why I’m now a big/huge proponent & supporter, as well as very interested in technology such as: Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), and also Artificial Intelligence (AI), and also some thinking & concepts such as Transhumanism. But then again, sadly, the problem is I don’t know how to reach all those dreams & ideas of mine. And that is really depressing.

I’m a Chinese-Indonesian, living in Jakarta (Indonesia). And the biggest problem is the culture/society here, also the mindset of the people here. They’re all still mostly very conservative, traditional, & outdated mindset/perspective about life. Especially with my Asian/Chinese-Indonesian parents for example, they still only think that the only “meaning of life” or “purpose” is simply just to survive, find a good job (or business), and make money, & then get married, have kids/children, etc etc. But for me, this can’t be all there is to life; Life should be so much more than that! But then, another biggest problem that I do realize and finally admit now is that, sadly, perhaps it’s all due to the many flaws in my personalities too: I listen too much to what other people/person say, I care too much (deeply), I’m easily down & depressed, & I also lack the ‘drive’/energy/motivation (and this is why perhaps I appear to be just “lazy” in the eyes of most people, including in my parents’ eyes), especially this year, when my Existential Depression just getting so much worse to the point of even being suicidal (having suicidal thoughts/fantasy/ideations almost everyday).

I’m 38 years old this year, and here I am now, in reality, I’m still living with my parents, almost can be viewed as jobless/unemployed, or even a hikikomori (a shut-in recluse only staying at my room most of the time). The situation is now even getting much worse, with my family/parents’ problems, stress, plus now my little brother is also a depressed shut-in just like me, so my Chinese father especially, who is almost 70 years old now, is really disappointed, stressed, & perhaps even having a (severe) depression, because in his eyes, his sons are still a complete failure, and a total loser, because we are still not financially independent, still living in their houses & dependent on them for food, bills, etc etc. I’m also basically jobless/unemployed, and not interested at all to run his (my father’s) businesses, which are also currently going through perhaps the most difficult time of all times (financially, I don’t know & really afraid that perhaps even my parents’ money will run out soon or later), especially due to this COVID-19/corona pandemic situation.

I also don’t know what to do. I’m lost, confused, depressed, suicidal, & feel like an alien. I can’t relate to most people/Human beings. I’m too “way out”, lost in my own thoughts, idealisms, visions, & all these “big/huge ideas” that I basically just don’t know anymore HOW/WHAT to do? Reality is depressing, very depressing, boring, limiting, & to be honest, this whole existence is just stupid, pointless, & meaningless for me now. My existential depression/crisis is getting much worse now, probably even the worst now, like I’ve said above, everyday now I’m even having suicidal ideations/fantasy/thoughts, and for me now, I’m seriously thinking that perhaps to die (death) is better than to live (just only to survive/for survival everyday).


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Sbilko 5/27/2020 - 6:53 am

Please, don’t commit suicide: think about how that would make your father and family feel, and that it would significantly contribute to your brother committing that too, which cannot be undone.

The way you described yourself shares a lot of similarity with these 2:

Perhaps this can help you in realizing the direction of your potential? Like, not all of us were made to be hard workers — some, instead, are really great painters and idealists, who shape the very essence of what everyone else sees and perceives.

Mf 5/27/2020 - 8:11 am

I was wondering if i should answer or not but heck, what the hell. I’m 38 too, male, and i can relate incredibly to what you write. Most of my life i always looked at “survival” like the plague, wanting to achieve great things and looking at regular life like somewhat of a waste.

Contrary to you i never had much ability to do anything special (tried music and arts, i was average at both but enjoyed them), and the few things i learned were just because i set my mind to it and engaged repetition until i got decent at them. Along the way i did achieve some things i’m proud of, but still… something didn’t fit (still doesn’t if i’m honest, maybe it never will).

Eventually everything came crashing down (lost my ability to do the few things i enjoyed), so i lived like a recluse for something like 2 years, until a split moment decision changed things. I acted out on a whim (was dragged to study a new career), and even if things aren’t perfect now i realized this: you can continue to pursue your ideals, as long as you find a way too survive too.

What i’m getting at is: find a way to turn the “survival” into a way too achieve your true goals, USE the survival grind and then you are not a slave to it, it’s just means to an end. The thing is, you have to set your mind to an actual goal, which is pretty hard if you doubt yourself (hell, do i know that myself). Things might not always work out in the end even if you have your set goal, but honestly? it’s a hell of a lot worse to fail because you didn’t try than just not trying at all, at least in my experience.

Right now (all this covid insanity) is a good time to do that, but you have to start somewhere. Maybe set little goals for each day? that’s an easy way to start moving, which is what you want in order to break out of your current situation. Not sure if it might work for you, but it kinda worked in my case to get me moving into doing things instead of just letting them pass me by.

Cause of Death: Suicide 5/28/2020 - 12:53 am

I am also contemplating suicide, when I was 12 I decided the best thing in the world would be to leave the f*cking creeps in my life by committing suicide by shotgun to the head. I’m 25 now, but I am supposed to be dead already since 18, when I was 12 I decided it would be absolutely pointless, and disgusting to live past 18. Since 18 I have been working on nothing other than to get enough money to get a shotgun and end my life. I just bought a new car, so when I pay it off I am going to get the shotgun and then drive to the middle of nowhere where I will blow my head off. I’ve been waiting since I was 12 to do this…… I keep getting stalked and raped though which is getting in the way of me completing my only goal, I am supposed to be dead already since 18 years old.

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