18 now

fuck dude how i experience life just isnt good.
theres a permanent disconnect between me and the world im interacting with
i have been depressed since i was 12. i turned 18 a week ago.
i didnt think i would make it this far. i thought i would have killed myself or shot up a school and done death by cop.
i have no fucking clue what the fuck to do with my life.
theres no point in trying. its not gonna get better. my brain chemistry was fucked with at a young age
and theres no changing what happened. i cant be fixed.
my parents are scared of me because i told them what was happening in my head.
i opened up to the people that swore to god they wouldnt think any differently of me.
i cant believe i was so fucking stupid. i am such a niave stupid fucking idiot.
my mind wont shut the fuck up its always loud always too many thoughts about random shit untill i think about something depressing or violent and then i think about only that one thing for hours. and then its bak to random shit and then its back to depressing.
i opened up to them so then they are like woah our son thought he was destined to blow up a school
and then my protector sub personality threatened them but he only does that when i feel threatened.
and its always been like this its always been from mum to dad and back to mum and then back to dad.
the fact of the matter is they are both assholes but thier asshole clocks are set to different times. so when dads nuts then i go to mum and when she has a wierd mum freakout then i go back to dad. because dad is rational. and mum understands my emotions. its a fucking ying and yang. now that they are divorced they both kicked me out and told me i cant swing between them. but thats been the pattern my whole life.
she doesnt even fucking understand my emotions though only the basic shallow shit.
she couldnt get it. shes not me. and i literally cannot explain how i feel. i dont know the words.
i think about killing myself every day. i have for a couple years. every bit of happiness is being squeezed out of me.
i cant laugh anymore. when i laugh its fake and forced.
where does it go from here? its not gonna get better and i see no point in trying,
i keep zoning out.
im not gonna fucking work. i cant work. i dont give a fuck what people say about me being a contributing member to society or whatever the fuck i dont care. i dont give a shit. fuck this fuck money fuck society fuck life. i am literally actually retarded. i am filled with extreme fear and anger and sadness at all times. i am not going to fucking do it.
i could go to school but whats the fucking point im just going to fail because i am retarded. what the fuck am i going to do?
do i fucking kill myself finally?
too much of a *****
and i dont want to hurt the poeple around me, they are good people. im just not though.
i keep zoning out.
im hurting them by even being in thier lives, my slow descent into basement dwelling loser NEET retard will bring them down with me. i should dissapear.