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3 years later am here again!!

by Esty Deekay

I wrote on this blog in 2017 and in 2018 and this is 2020 almost nothing has changed. I still hate my life and everything it entails.

I had a short adventure with a guy living in Cameroon and I got pregnant. He rejected the pregnancy and abandoned me to my own fate. I didn’t want to abort because that would just have been adding sin on another sin and that would have made me a coward like him cus running away is always the easier way out. I kept the baby knowing how much it would penalize me financially, emotionally and even professionally because i was struggling at that time to get my permanent residency in Canada  and I needed to keep working through my pregnancy to get that done. I trusted God though I knew he would reward me for doing his will and not aborting. And He did. I met this new guy while I was still pregnant and he showed me love like I hadn’t known before. He decided to make me move in with him, promised to adopt my child and raise her like his own. Things were fine when my mother was here because she could take care of the baby while him and I continue to build our love but as soon as she left things went south. He felt neglected, uncared for and disrespected because the main topic of conversation in the house was always the baby. How he doesn’t iron her clothes like we agreed, how he forgot to make her food, how he doesn’t financially take care of her because technically its not his child, how he can’t hold her for a couple of hours while i study. Its like I now measured his love based on how good of a father he was or could have been to my child and that was putting a lot of pressure on him and he left me. Before he did, he was also cheating on me, sleeping with prostitues and paying more than $250 for sex whereas he could barely buy baby’s milk for $30. He would remind me everyday how he took me with my child and insinuate that no other man would do that. He didn’t want me to be in school and he would rather i stay home and be a housewife and even have his own child while I am at it. When i tell him i cannot have a second child out of mariage he gets irritated like oh he took me with child, he pays rent at home, hos family knows about me already. Mariage will come when its time. What’s the big deal? He even says stuff like did the previous guy marry me before i chose to have his baby? He told me he would only adopt the baby when i have his own child and he didn’t want to be liable for child support. I will feel so frustrated and sad because I want to keep this guy but is having a second child really a good idea? What if he leaves me and i find myself having two children with two different baby daddies? Like i don’t even care about child support and money. If I did I would have had my baby with a guy in Canada or USA so that the court can actually make him pay those bills. All I ever wanted was for us to be like a real family; united and blended.  This guy also became scared for his life and that of his family back home because I had been getting numerous spiritual attacks from the biological father of my child and from his mother. They will haunt me in my dreams and sometimes i would even have the feeling that they are seated in the corner of the room and watching me. Even my misfortune last summer in France him and his family were the ones responsible for it but then again that is a story for another time. At first my new guy will help me pray and do novenas over all those spiritual attacks but it came to a point he got scared too. He said he didn’t want to be labeled as a child thief by stealing someone’s child and presenting himself as his father. Also the Cameroon guys father is probably the richest man in the city where i live. He is very influential and holds a top position in the leading government. They can do anything and get away with it. They want my child not because they care but because its their blood and they can use her for rituals. They are evil people both in the physical and spiritual world. They are waiting for me to step foot in Cameroon with her so that they can seize her forever from me. All this scares the new guy who is Cameroonian too and has his family living in Cameroon. He fears for their safety. Amongst other things, that is the reason he decided to end the relationship. He feels i will bring him more problems than happiness and I do not blame him except for the fact that he was emotionally abusif and tried to blackmail me into having his own baby out of marriage knowing fully well the history i have been through. I blame myself however for ever meeting that boy in Cameroon whom I chose to date because I was tired of all the boyfriend drama in Toronto. I wanted someone brand new. I just wanted to be loved and appreciated and he managed to convince me to have a baby with him just to abandon me later on. He wanted me to abort but because I didn’t, now he wants the child but only for his witchcraft satanic world. My mom had warned me about rumours of his family being ritualists but I didn’t listen and proceded to date him now it has landed me into a lifetime traumatic experience. Funny enough the two friends who were closest to me when I was pregnant, my roommate and her best friend, they don’t even believe me when I talk about these spiritual attacks which I have been experiencing. They say its all in my head and imagination. They say I should give that boy in Cameroon the chance to build a relationship with his daughter. They think all what I am saying is just an excuse because I have met someone else. It hurts me so much that they don’t understand me. They even go as far as being friends with the boy on social media despite all the pain he has put me through. Why will my own friends betray me like this. I would give my kidney for my friends but my friends always just betray me. Could they be jealous of my new relationship? If only they even knew what was going on in there maybe they wouldn’t be. They don’t root for me like i would root for them. I don’t have luck with friends either especially female friends. By the way I have never believed in friendship triangles. Two people will always sit and talk about the third person and I know they talk about me in my back I just know it.

my life was already miserable as it is but i thought having a baby will make it better, i thought that will give me a reason to want to live and fight for another day but the truth is it didn’t. It makes me hate life even more cus now all eyes are on me to see how good of a mother I am. I can barely take care of myself how possibly can I take care of someone else? Some people say I am mean, evil, weird, possessed and maybe its true. What kind of education then can I transfer unto my child? What good thing can she possibly learn from a depressed suicidal mother who drives away all men who come her way?

They say girls with daddy issues usually act crazy and has attachment or detachment problems which is so true in my case. In the previous article i wrote on this block, I mentioned how much my relationship with my dad has been rocky and he was verbally abusif to me and made me feel so unworthy all my life. which is why I fall for men so quickly. As soon as I see a man who is willing to show me just a little bit of love, I cling unto to him because I see him as the protector that i never had or never found in my dad. That’s how i get involved with men so quickly without evaluating my self worth or without evaluating their true intentions. Before I realize it is too late. I have been called a whore in the past based on this attitude of moving from one guy to the next quickly and i won’t blame those who judge me for that but really I am just looking to be loved and understood.

i love this child but to be honest i don’t want her. I hate her dad and all the satanic traumas he has made me go through. I hate the fact that she chases away even the men who come my way. They love her, they love me but no one wants to deal with all the baggage associated with us.  I cannot even send her to Cameroon with my parents because there is 110% chance she will be kidnapped by those people. Therefore I cannot build a new relationship with any man without my child getting in the way. I am stuck and I hate it. She is so precious i don’t even deserve her. I thought i did a good thing to keep her but now I even regret. My life is more miserable than before. I have my bachelors degree to finish , i need to work so I can make a living but i cannot do all that with a baby under 9 months. I need help!! Daycares are closed and I was even approved for licensed homecare but as soon as I told the provider that my baby had difficulty breathing in the past, she refused to care for the child. She said she is not comfortable. My doctor even filled out forms to indicate that the baby is fine now and her breathing was never diagnosed as a health problem and i shouldn’t even have mentioned it to them. But i panicked and wanted to be honest but it landed me in more problems now my baby can’t even go to daycare. My mom even took an early retirement to come help me but because of Covid she cannot come. My aunt in USA said she would come get the child. I went through a lot of trouble trying to get my member of Parliament write a letter which would allow her cross the border but now she doesn’t seem too interested anymore. Plus her husband isn’t in support of it either. I am stuck! Everyone is like why don’t you go to your brother’s place? My brother has tried to be supportive the best way he knows how. However, he doesn’t understand depression and has told me several times that it is “white people’s illness“ and that he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore! I think only my mom understands me and maybe my best friend too. He has been there since day 1. I don’t even deserve him. However they are both so far away and cannot help much. My child’s godmother too has been helpful but also so far away. I feel so stuck!! I want to exercise, get drunk, smoke weed, sleep non stop, have sex or just do anything that will help me forget my pain but I can’t because where do I keep this child to go do all of that? I am so stuck and I hate it !! The few friends I have in the area all live like an hour away by car and i don’t drive. With the bus its like 2-3 hours or more and plus I am so ashamed to tell them about my issues. I have portrayed this perfect image and God-blessed relationship that now I do not have the words to even explain how sour things have become. How do I tell the world that this “perfect new guy“ never truly accepted my child as he promised? He was abusif controlling and just wanted a woman that will have his own kids. Based on my history with men they will probably not believe me right? Everyone will think i am the problem because there is no way he can be wrong right? I won’t even bother saying anything cus that will make me look even more stupid and people who don’t want the best interests for me will just rejoice over my misery. My self esteem is so low that somehow i still manage to blame myself for everything that went wrong in this new relationship .

I live in the same house with my ex boyfriend and we don’t even talk. Its so depressing. Am only here because i cannot afford rent, at least not at the moment. My friends now is the suicide help line, child aids soceity, the Canadian Mental Health Association, the office of spiritual affairs of the Archdiocese of Toronto and the Catholic family counselling services. Those are the people I talk witg on a regular basis and I even requested for an exorcism from the bishop because maybe i am truly possessed. I want to be normal, i am tired of being broken and being weird and having things the hard way. If I have hurt anyone before and this is my karma, I don’t think I deserve it because I have already been through a lot of shit 2017-2018 and even 2019 which I believe was karma enough. In fact was even way more than karma. Also as far as I can remember, I have apologized to everyone I have hurt and my apologies were sincere. Could it be that I am my father’s karma instead? He has hurt people so much I won’t be surprised if I am the scapegoat for his payback. I don’t want to be broken , disturbed and sad anymore. I want to be a source of inspiration for others, be in love, get married and be fulfilled in my career and aspirations . Am I not God’s child too? Why is he so hard on me? I thought i would use my relationship as a testimony for others to trust God but now am heartbroken because of this new guy. He abandoned me just like everyone did. I am angry  he should have left me where I was. I was sad yes but i met him at a point where I was trying to build myself up already and i had already accepted my fate as a single mother. Why will he take me just to dump me again. How do I recover from this? My child’s name was chosen by him, she has a godfather who was chosen by him too . On her baptism certificate, name of father is his name. How do I recover from this? How do I undo all this? I neither have the will, the patience nor the strength to raise my daughter alone and even if I did, wouldn’t she grow up with daddy issues just like me? How do we stop this cycle?

I was prescribed an antibiotic  after birth to heal my stitches. I used to take 4 a day and it was so strong that i will fall when walking. It made me super dizzy and nauseated. I stopped taking then but there was still some leftover; about 16 pills. I swallowed all at once 2 weeks ago but nothing happened like absolutely nothing. Were they expired? I don’t know or is it just God refusing to end my misery on this earth? Yesterday night I diluted 50 pills of tylenol extra strength in warm water but didn’t find the courage to take them. What if I don’t die and people find out I tried to commit suicide? I would have to live with that stigma all my life untop of the fact thatI already hate life as it is. They say more than 8 pills of acetaminophen can cause intoxication. 50 pills probably won’t kill me but I just want to at least even just sleep for long without baby disturbance. I want to even just go into a coma for a week or two just to take a break from all these thoughts which make me feel unworthy, unwanted, guilty, sinful and rejected.

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Sbilko 6/14/2020 - 9:05 am

Hi Esty, please do not commit suicide: please think about how it would leave your daughter motherless, and how it would destroy the lives of your mother and family!! Please know that there is always hope, that one can always keep going forwards.

I don’t think that it’s a good idea to have one more baby out of wedlock. Nor to return to Cameroon if you can avoid it or at least do so anyone knowing.

As for the witchcraft against you and such, God tells us again and again: Don’t fear, I’m with you.

Be strong, Sister!! There is always hope, for things to go better!

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