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We die, so liars don’t have to

by Virus.Found

Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I’d describe myself as lately. I’ve taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me…

I’ve received a ‘hey’ from two people and that was it, they didn’t try again. They simply didn’t notice. They simply didn’t care. It was hard for me, I’m a very affectionate person. I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I’m the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.

Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don’t understand why… I have so much to give, I can always hold a conversation and I’m not someone to let you down. It’s like, the more I give, the more it backfires. Us humans want to save time on many things daily and we invented things to make that possible. But never would I have realized, that they want to save time regarding social interaction.

The top words in today’s conversations are: ‘Uff, Ok, Hey, How R U, Yeh, Cool, Nice, Sup, lol, lmao, g2g’ Wow, I’m just thrilled over these.! Been looking forward to talking to people all day and getting one of these words back. Thanks for carefully picking these out for me, I feel super special. While you’re at it, throw in an ‘Emoji’ too.! Just love them.!!!!!!

Maybe I should give up on keeping friends already. They’re never there and if they are, they bore me to pieces. Is it possible I’m just overlooking the kind people, that are willing to have a nice conversation.? Where are the soulful writers, the clingy folks and those, that aren’t able to work/go to school due to whatever reason.?

I’ve opened up to a person today and she was heartfelt and told me how great I was. And then suddenly she made up some half-assed lie to disappear immediately. And I kept seeing her coming back online. That stings, am I really that bad.? I really felt like she was being genuine and promised that we would be there for each other. I’d have many stories to tell, of the times I’ve encountered assholes. But that would be as thick as a novel.

I keep blaming myself, that maybe I’m just not good enough and should just disappear from everyone’s sight. I already think I’m annoying and pathetic but others are really opening my eyes lately. So maybe I should thank them for making me see the truth. That I should just die. If they can go without me for a month, they won’t care that I’m gone.

13 comments
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13 comments

timaroon 9/12/2020 - 3:43 am

Maintaining relationship is very tiresome. I wish I live alone , far from any society. I am tired.

Virus.Found 9/12/2020 - 11:52 am

It actually felt better when I didn’t have to rely on people so ironically isolating myself in a town without people would probably make me less lonely, than now. Thanks for writing me, have a good day. (If not, don’t worry too much about it, these days can be rare)

sgiksw 9/12/2020 - 4:24 am

People dont cherish human life anymore, and what that entails, beyond the superficial and impressing others online. The experience is a blessing regardless of what you look like, your health etc. people are not grateful of the things they can experience, the senses, all the intricacies of life. Theyre obsessed with the information online or whatever they are doing with their computers. So out of touch with reality. Id love to hear stories of assholes youve met! Im sure you will reject me. Thats my thing, i get rejected and ignored.

Virus.Found 9/12/2020 - 12:04 pm

My, my. Would you look at that, me not rejecting and ignoring you. Is that the first for you this week.? :’P ‘Cause I have weeks where I’m like: wow, you actually want to talk to me, human.? *shocked, cause nobody usually wants to do anything with me* I love the Internet but… I can’t help but feel the unhealthiness my phone and such bring me. I’m happy about being able to access whatever I want whenever I want but that also means I can always access every emotion I have in a matter of minutes. I honestly don’t know, if these friends ever feel that ‘screen-depression’. Or they do but don’t know where it’s coming from. I’m at least aware but it’s like I’m hooked. I don’t have real life friends so I don’t have much of a choice. But they were as disappointing as online friends. *sigh* Oh, don’t get me going haha, I can type a lot. I think that scares people off, especially the ones with the handy ‘one-worded-sentences’ they’ve so eagerly prepared all of their life’s. I cherish your comment, your time that you took and your insight.! You’re also accepted in my: ignored by society-club.^^

muspelhem 9/12/2020 - 3:35 pm

I think the better you feel, the more people like you.

The leap from being treated badly or with indifference to thinking you are a burden on others is very familiar to me.

I just think if someone doesn’t treat you right (in your eyes) don’t waste too much emotional energy on them. Move on.

Virus.Found 9/13/2020 - 3:16 am

You’re right. I feel as if it gets worse, the more anxious I am on the inside. But having good days doesn’t really make a huge difference. Moving on is real hard for me..

sgiksw 9/12/2020 - 7:41 pm

Yes, thank you for not rejecting. I dont think anyone likes me very much. Or they have their heads too far up their own asses to see me. I can type a lot too. Once people see one of those 5” texts, thats when the ignoring starts.

sgiksw 9/12/2020 - 7:42 pm

I think maybe some of them have poor reading skills. Maybe my writing isnt always clear. Sometimes i ramble, sometimes im very clear.

Virus.Found 9/13/2020 - 3:31 am

Ugh, I honestly don’t think it’s you, I understand you perfectly clear.^^ I mean, if they have their heads up their ‘bottoms’, of course they won’t be able to read your sentences. People feel the need to remind me, that others get busy. Yeah, no shit. Once I answered to my friend: “I’m not mad about you. I just don’t want to live in a world, that let’s people get so busy, they don’t have time to talk to each other.” Busting our n@ts to keep our grades up or work until we drop, what good does that do.? I feel like the world is packed in some kind of an insanity spell and they’re not even realizing it.. I’ve always been called a big dreamer. That’s fine by me.

sgiksw 9/14/2020 - 1:22 am

Being “busy” is NEVEr an excuse. If you were important, they would make time. Think! If you were busy and didnt want to talk to anyone, but then suddenly, your dream person showed up, youd damn well make time. Yet, how do YOU become the person everyone always wants around? Without support?! Or the attention you deserve? Do it alone is a bs-ing lie of an excuse that does not work. Ive tried. And whenever i get high and hopped up and im doing well and all that, some loser comes along(narcissist) sees the light in me and befriends me, in the hope of being like me, but they end up getting jealous and knocking me down, then sucking every last bit of precious energy and soul that ive built up. Most people focus on “the take”, what can i get from you. I think it takes a VERY evolved person, to see past themselves and have had the success, money and experiences to not have to have everything be about them. Wish i could evolve to the point where i could be that and help others. Otherwise, you are simply giving your energy away. Most dont follow their hearts and follow what they are told and most HAVE to follow what they are told to survive. I think those of us, who question have it toughest. The rest tell themselves, this is life, this is how it is etc. etc. and believe it afterwhile, THAT is the insanity spell.

sgiksw 9/14/2020 - 1:27 am

Also, i question rather, maybe YOU dont really want to be around “your” people. Cause i know mine suck and they dont give me what i need, so i isolate. Maybe you don’t wanna out up with their bs? A lot of people simply dont know how to plain and simple, communicate or express themselves or their feelings. So they communicate like assholes. Including the mentioned emojis. I cant say im a pro either, i try, its hard when you have needs. To try and be there for someone else. That is a societal issue. If more needs were met, then less people Would need and could help others. Weve got so many people in pain in various ways.

sgiksw 9/14/2020 - 1:31 am

Ive noticed a trend the past, 5-10 years of people being incapable of having back and forth conversations. Or I will ask a question and thye completely ignore it and go on about themselves. I think people and society is VERY ill, mentally. And i also think a lot of that stems from physical pain, pain that may nit even be noticed but is there, festering underneath it all and it shows up as, supposed, mental health issues but is really something else. Even as simple as an injury. Or complex as years of trauma. Ive seen Trauma or emotional pain melt away with the right combos of balance, that i will not get into. Makes me mad, i cant afford that for myself. Turn off the emotions, and forget the past. Move forward, linearly.

sgiksw 9/14/2020 - 1:38 am

Life is busy though. Its like we stopped innovations in the 50s after the war and have just been on cruise control, as far as making life easier as humans. Theres so much machines could do for us, so we had more time. Its exhausting scleping the store, then to cook etc. fastfood was supposed to be the answer, but what is it even? But to use the excuse, busy, when youre just looking at the internet, is a bunch of bs! Youd just rather look at the computer cause its much prettier, much smarter, much more entertaining than you are to them. Like i said originally, we do not appreciate each other for the delicate, precious individuals we are, yet i guess i dont appreciate my peeps either. I mean i do but they just arent helping me. Thx for that mini therapy session! But then theres thise thattake advantage when you appreciate or pay attention, theres a rash of narcissism lately. Idk. I think the computer has made people self important. But then again, i see the comoueter and feel like im worthless, cant compete, a big nothing etc, makes me feel of shit. Now im depressed…

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