Here I am again!
And again I wish to die after a period pretending life is good and possible. I’m tired of this shit to be honest.
May be if I had someone who could give me a decent burial I would go. I dont know what I’m still doing here. If I die today the rats who live in my roof will eat me but no one will bury me. I deserved at least a funeral and some beautiful words over my coffin.
Pushing myself from one week to another and lying to everyone and myself I have plans and wanna do this and that when to be honest I just want to be in piece, in silence and die in a beautiful black dress.
I’m tired of pretending, tired of lying, tired of trying, tired, tired!
All the things I tried failed, all people I loved are gone, all I tried to become I didn’t. I dont have dreams anymore for years. I just talk a lot and pretend I’m excited with life bc like that people leave me alone as it’s what they expect: someone who wants to live and is happy.
I created a character to interact with people and I cant be myself bc it bothers them. It bothers the System and the society to be suicidal. It bothers this lie they say life is.
I dont know how I’m still here bc I have nothing else to do in this world since much time ago…
It’s a miracle I’ve lasted so long.
12 comments
Lol WITHIN
Yay…
How can you stand it? Faking all of it. That’s so painful.
I love black dresses. Would you pick a new dress or would it be your favorite one? I met a girl that kept her mother’s dresses after she passed. She’d wear them out and casually~ I liked how she held on to certain things. I like that about people in general. It tells a story about people
Them*
Sometimes I laugh at my own jokes while my gf “>:{” where I talk to myself sometimes pretty much. She’s just along for the ride I guess ha
It would be a new dress specially made for my suicide. A long black victorian dress…
I love that! But with how classy and bold those are, I’d fear someone calling me a drama queen or eyeroll* didnt know how great she had it*, in this new age.
Maybe that’s just anxiety. I really would rather be cremated than buried for that reason.
I pretend all the time bc I cant be myself on my work or with my friends, so as it is impossible to tell I’m suicidal without a storm of comments over me 5 minutes later, so I pretend I’m happy, sympathetic, full of plans and “normal”. Sometimes I can cheat even myself for some time and then it happens again: all the wish to die, all the pain and sorrow explodes and here I am.
Tomorrow I have to work so this fake shit restarts…?
I just wanna be quiet and rest.
Yes. The “fake” shit. The need to play a role in order to fit into the cast of Society Inc. My FAVORITE part is job interviews where I have to put on an Academy award winning performance when I’d really rather just slap the interviewer. What is this nonsense? Ugghh.
How long has it been like this for you? I’m sorry about your anguish.
Don’t you just wish you could open the door at work, fresh morning, a crowd waiting, and “IT’S HER, CONGRATULATIONS!”, Where then a happy crowd starts carrying you into your work cheering “You did it, you f.cking did it!” For no reason. You just f.cking win~ Lol
I have serious anxiety, but I’d do it once in sunglasses. .
“I created a character to interact with people and I cant be myself bc it bothers them. It bothers the System and the society to be suicidal. It bothers this lie they say life is.”
— BAM — Nail on the head.
I feel you. This used to be me. I also await death’s embrace. Feels like peace and respite after such a cruel life…