I am going to use this forum just to vent and get these thoughts out of my mind. I literally have no friends, my family use me for their problems and I cannot burden my son. I got a fright when the thought popped into my head after so many years. I know that 2020 is hard for everyone. We are all struggling with mental health but I am scared. You see I stopped doing all the drugs, I even stopped drinking this year and its all come crashing down. I cannot see a way out anymore. You know when you get into the cycle where everything goes wrong all the time and then you are caught in this cycle. Thats where I am. Cross fit – Not helping. Yoga – not helping. Meditation – not helping. My daily gratitude – not helping. So I stopped them all now I can hardly face the people at work let alone go to the shops. 2 weeks ago I ended up in hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. Thankfully it was just a panic attack. I know what to do, I have the tools, but its just so much easier you know, all my debts would be paid, my son would own the house, who would miss me? I have made no contribution to society. The only thing that stops me is my son. He did not ask to be born. He copes with the fact that his dad and I are not together (I have been single for 11 years) and all this would do is ruin his life. Make him deal with trauma. I know how hard that is. I am obviously not a role model on how to deal with trauma because I am letting it run my life again.
Right pity party over. Dust myself off. Make an appointment with my doc to see about anti depressents. Get back to the gym. Cook a meal every night, you know be a “normal” human. I promise today to not start drinking, to not start cutting and remember that I have been a single mom raising an amazing young man while working 3 jobs for the last 11 years. I am strong. I have to do this. I can do this.