I am going to use this forum just to vent and get these thoughts out of my mind. I literally have no friends, my family use me for their problems and I cannot burden my son. I got a fright when the thought popped into my head after so many years. I know that 2020 is hard for everyone. We are all struggling with mental health but I am scared. You see I stopped doing all the drugs, I even stopped drinking this year and its all come crashing down. I cannot see a way out anymore. You know when you get into the cycle where everything goes wrong all the time and then you are caught in this cycle. Thats where I am. Cross fit – Not helping. Yoga – not helping. Meditation – not helping. My daily gratitude – not helping. So I stopped them all now I can hardly face the people at work let alone go to the shops. 2 weeks ago I ended up in hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. Thankfully it was just a panic attack. I know what to do, I have the tools, but its just so much easier you know, all my debts would be paid, my son would own the house, who would miss me? I have made no contribution to society. The only thing that stops me is my son. He did not ask to be born. He copes with the fact that his dad and I are not together (I have been single for 11 years) and all this would do is ruin his life. Make him deal with trauma. I know how hard that is. I am obviously not a role model on how to deal with trauma because I am letting it run my life again.
Right pity party over. Dust myself off. Make an appointment with my doc to see about anti depressents. Get back to the gym. Cook a meal every night, you know be a “normal” human. I promise today to not start drinking, to not start cutting and remember that I have been a single mom raising an amazing young man while working 3 jobs for the last 11 years. I am strong. I have to do this. I can do this.
5 comments
Hi, I know you said you’re just venting but in case you wanted some feedback or advice, I wanted to mention something. You said that you’ve made no contribution to society. But I would say that your son is your contribution. Raising a child is a full time job, double full time if you’re a single parent. And it sounds like you did a decent job. Don’t sell yourself short on that account.
I also wanted to mention antidepressants in relation to alcoholism & addiction because I’ve been there. I also quit alcohol and tried to go healthy to treat my depression and it didn’t seem to be working, so I got on antidepressants. Big mistake. It messed me up bad, and within a few weeks I was so zombified that I couldn’t take care of my kids, and that led to more guilt and self loathing. At that point I realized that my healthy approach had actually been working, I just didn’t give it enough time.
Just a thought. A lot of people on this site have been totally messed up by antidepressants, and I’m one of them. Notice how all antidepressants have the disclaimer that it may increase risk of suicide in the fine print. Maybe they tested these chemicals on “normally” depressed people but ignored the fact that SUICIDALLY depressed people are an entirely different sickness. Who knows. But if I were in your position, sober, clean, healthy, newly detoxed from all the alcohol, I would give it a little while longer. I’m working my way back to that but antidepressants take even longer than alcohol to detox. Some reports say 6 months to a year. Probably kill myself before then. Anyway good luck in whatever you choose. You’re fighting back and that’s the key
Thank you. You are right I have contributed. Also I did have a second thought about the anti depressants. I want you to know that I am going back to yoga today instead of going back to the drugs…thank you thank you thank you it took me so long to get clean!
Go back to all that was good that you were doing. Don’t take the drugs, the damage is immediate and long lasting .
Only my wife stands between me and heaven. I live for her because it is what she can expect.
I do a bunch of good things for myself too. Maybe someday I will want to live.
Maybe today you can find a time to contemplate the good things done by you and for you.
Starting today I am back ay yoga….going to remain clean and come here often! THANK YOU for your words. Sometimes what I need to hear is that I am not the only one going through this!
My educated guess is we who often wish we could be dead, even while doing somethings to ease our minds and build our lives, could fill the ranks of an army, number ing at least a million in the US.