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falling apart (again).

by falling_soup

“Everyone has their peaks and valleys” somedays are harder than others to which I want to scream at all of that non-sense. I KNOW some days are harder than others, I AM TIRED OF RUNNING THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER  COASTER. I get tired of feeling like I am doing this all alone. I push people out for what feels like silly reasons even though I feel like I am trying to keep myself sane. I stopped taking the 2 a.m calls from friends with tough nights or dropping everything I am doing because if the roles are reversed, the people in my life who were there aren’t. I have gotten so good at expanding everything wrong I am doing and put myself through emotional hell (thanks mom). I  grew up being constantly ridiculed by someone who was supposed to support me. I have been on my own for a few years now, some close people in my life have really gotten me to see clearly on some really shitty situations in my life and now I have the space to process that. My mom was an abusive narcissist (if you have anyone with that in your life I am so sorry. It is certainly a traumatic thing to go through. Between that and depression/anxiety my brain is just a little fucked up).  I am currently in a part of my program in college that is having me “clean out the closet” so to speak and between the trauma and shit from my upbringing and the work I have been doing in therapy for my sexual assault over the years, this has been incredibly hard. I also just passed 4 years over thanksgiving that I was released from the 2-week hospital stay and last month a year self-harm fee. I think about relapsing, etc. but I am just too damn tired. I am exhausted. I just want the sadness to go away. I just *sighs* I just need to remove myself from everything.  If I had a more effective way of doing that, I would… I am always getting through emotional shit and now I need to open up old wounds in order to heal because they didn’t heal right the first time, but I don’t know that I have the energy to do this.

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