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Free speech

by SayWeCanDie

This is a post, for you. Whoever is reading this, feel free to say anything in the comment and I’ll reply when I see your message. Even if you just want to rant or for someone to listen. I don’t care how long it is, I’ll read through and try and understand what you’re going through. You don’t have to fight things alone, sometimes a strangers advice is better then the ones closest to you, even just a fresh new pair of ears, so feel free

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heartlessviking 12/1/2020 - 7:17 pm

I have a problem, and that problem appears to be completely original. I always wanted to be completely original, probably should have been more specific. I’ve spent a decade acquiring skills and experience in my field, and now my brand new job, which I only became *qualified* for in May of this year is setting about to reteach me my entire freshman year of college, which itself was a repeat of reading I did in high school. I didn’t get into a PhD program last year and I am paying for it, man did I screw up when I didn’t polish the apple well enough to get into grad school.

I’m having nightmares at this point, nightmares about a job because it is that redundant. I had a nightmare last night that I was being forced to return to the high school that I left 15 years ago, and was being made to sit in those classes and pretend I hadn’t gotten a college degree. The breaking point was when they were yelling at me that I don’t understand the thing that I spent a year and a half as a professional researcher on. Well, it might have been after that when I was packing my bag and a teacher who didn’t know anything about me came in and said; “Ah, you must be the one who brought a gun to school, come with me.” The only familiarity I have with being treated as this dense is when a school was trying to expel me.

I’ve just wasted my life. Drink all you can, develop alcoholism and never pay attention to anything. There’s a mint to be made in being an idiot who is absolutely useful, that’s what they expect. Being good at your work? How presumptuous, getting ideas above your station that competence would EVER be rewarded, we punish people who work hard, and those who pay attention in class will be tortured.

It appears to me that this entire culture has found a purpose in being meaningless, in being mediocre. I only started taking anti depressants because I wanted to be competent. Man was I a sucker, believing that being allowed to be competent and productive was any part of adulthood.

Thanks for listening, not really sure if there is a solution. I think that when people test high on aptitude tests they should just give them the means to kill themselves immediately. Why spend the caloric energy to make people who are competent when you spend so much energy trying to make them beg for the sweet release of death?

I don’t know. That’s this year, nothing has any point, and trying is just a mistake people make sometimes.

Jack 12/2/2020 - 2:12 am

Fuck you mother, father, grandparents and everybody else

SayWeCanDie 12/2/2020 - 4:48 pm

Hey, jack. What’s going on with your family, talk to me. Release your anger or anger emotions

SayWeCanDie 12/2/2020 - 4:52 pm

Hey, HeartlessViking. Cool name btw. It is a pretty original reason, I haven’t really heard of anything similar. But somewhat I understand what your mentality is. It’s hard to understand sometimes what we’re here for and what our purpose is when shit is going down hill. I understand how it feels to work so hard for something to not pay off

thebends 12/2/2020 - 7:35 pm

I’ll play if you’re up for the challenge. My story is a common one although strangely I don’t see it on this site very often (which leads me to believe that people going through this generally don’t bother talking about it, they just fucking kill themselves). In a sentence: I had it all, lost it all.

Money, love, success, health, good looks, hope for the future, and most importantly a belief that this whole god damned shit show of a universe would work itself out. Had it all. Now, for reasons I don’t want to get into: it’s all gone. And no, it’s not coming back. Some things you don’t get a 2nd chance at.

Monster 12/2/2020 - 8:24 pm

You may never live that same exact dream again, but that doesn’t mean the rest of your life will be a terrible nightmare. I know you feel like there’s no point in staying, but your life can still pleasantly surprise you. I’m glad you’re still here. I don’t know your story, but please don’t give up on the things you’re still able to do. I truly believe in you that you can make the best out of the rest of your life. As I’ve said, I don’t know your story. What are your dreams? Since you’ve lost everything, have you thought of how you’d like the rest of your life to go? I know you feel like suicide is all that’s left for you, but it doesn’t have to be. Your old life isn’t coming back, but you have the chance to create a new life for yourself. I truly believe in you. May you get to experience true happiness again, and not be haunted by your old life. That’s what you truly deserve.

thebends 12/2/2020 - 8:46 pm

Thank you so much for those words. There’s a lot of truth in what you said. It’s just hard to swallow that I need to give up on my old dreams and start over with something new… especially when anything new would be a joke compared to what I had. In a nutshell, at a young age I stumbled on a brilliant business idea and made a ton of money while I was still in college. I took all that money and used it to do charity work. Didn’t save a penny for myself, because I figured I can easily make more. You can guess the rest. Ran out of money, ran out of luck, and my health soon fell apart as a result (alcoholism) which led to me losing everything else in a heartbeat.

So you can see the jam I’m in. I don’t want a new dream. I want to finish the old one. But I’m a decade or two older, and age really does matter in terms of energy & enthusiasm & outright foolish luck. So you see it really is a common problem, whether or not we had our moment of fame, the fact is as you get older and experience more defeat, your dreams die. Worse… your ability to dream dies.

Monster 12/10/2020 - 6:49 pm

I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your comment until now.

It’s so very wonderful that you used that money for charity work! That was such a selfless thing to do. That says a lot about you.

I’m so very sorry that your dream ended so soon. I hate that you’re left in so much pain. Now, all you can dream about is your death. You feel so tired and defeated. I know it seems impossible to you now, but you can still make new dreams come true that’ll ease the pain you’re currently feeling. You truly deserve to experience the pleasant surprises life still has in store for you. Everything’s not lost. You’re still you. You’re still that kind, caring person who used their saved earnings on charity work. As long as you’re here, you still have the chance to live a life you want to live. It may not be the life you once lived, but it’ll be a life where you no longer dream about your death. You’ll be able to dream again. I know that seems impossible to you now, but there’s still a chance for you to be pleasantly surprised.

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