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no place for tomorrow

by ellexruth

I was born to die. I am literally the embodiment of everything that can drive a person to suicide. Mental illness. Genetics. Biology. Trauma (emotional / sexual). Grew up with a mentally ill parent. Bullied. 2 prior attempts. All the ingredients are there. I spent over a decade in college exhausting every avenue of possible things I could’ve done with my life. I finally found my calling and my passion as a first responder working in EMS. Now there’s all kind of stupid bullying going on and drama. I feel trapped. This job is all I have. It was my purpose. It’s the only thing that’s given me the will to live and now it’s going to be the end of me. I can’t go to work everyday and do my job knowing that I’m going to be walking on eggshells around my partner; being psychologically bullied and slandered and all. It’s over now. I literally don’t have anything left. I just can’t believe this. I’ve survived so much and finally rose out of the abyss just for this to happen. : /


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fxd45tsp 1/15/2021 - 9:02 pm

Usually I read comments and wallow in my own negative torment, and somehow keep coming back for more. And usually leave “probably not so cheerful comments”. But in your case…

What about working at a different location, away from the troublesome individual(s)? Or even just getting a new work partner (if he is the issue)? If your partner is trustworthy, maybe talking to him a bit (but that can go horribly wrong as well and make everything even worst).

I consider people to be, at a very minimum, decent if they chose to be a first responder in EMS. You save people lives (or at least limit pain and provide conditions for best recovery possible). And if this is your calling, humanity would lose a positive asset if you were to go. So seems to me it might be worth fighting for. Of course easy for me to say since I am not the one doin’ the fightin’… Still, I believe the impact you have on people actually needing help is positive.

I sure understand “this job is all you have” concept. If I was to lose mine, let’s just say everything would go downhill fast. Like 90 degrees downward fast. You have a purpose, I do not since I find my employment shameful (although I used to think otherwise until I woke up to reality). So you are already well ahead of me on the human being road of value.

mountaingoat 1/16/2021 - 12:45 am

Someday you and I will learn how to skillfully deal with neurotic people. It can be done.

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