The Sun Fell

Hey guys. Honestly, I’m not my best. I’ve been trying to get on this website for some time, but, of course, it kept mistaking me for a robot. That made me angry. Me, a robot, to talk about feelings?
Anyway, tonight I realized my D in math. I told my parents and they nagged me and nagged me to fix my grade. As if I don’t struggle enough already. A twelve year old with severe depression and anxiety. And possibly a sociopath.
See, when I was young, my dad’s dad was sexually abusive.
My older sister told my parents (we were both very young) and they called the cops. Everything was situated.. or so it seemed.
Family problems erupted all over that side of the family like a wildfire. My Nana is still loyal to that mf, but she still comes around like we want her to, AND bribes us with food.
Anyway, my grandmother that lives there rarely sees us. Most of it is her age and health, but I think it is also a part of guilt. She knew what was happening and still stood up for my unspeakable ex-family member.
For some reason I am ubsessing over school active shootings.
Here is the sociopath explanation.
I feel weird when I watch that shit. Like, not bad for the people that I see dying on camera (actor or not), but fascinated. My brain goes “ooo I wanna see that!” while my heart goes “wtf stop watching that!”
I admit that when I see the death count.. I wish more died.
It’s evil. I hate it. But… I still did. And I HATE IT.
Sociopath explained.
Now, to make this clear, I do have mental illnesses so don’t criticise me too much. At least I caught myself.
I real life, I am lonely and tend to be alone (hence the nickname) so I have no need to talk to. I am also an introvert with a stuttering problem, which doesn’t help.
I literally have no one to talk to except my therapist who I still talk to since the family fiasco though I am not honest, my parents although the lean towards overreacting than being chill, and my older sister who is fed up with her online friends and barely pays attention.
So that’s why I am here. To grace you with my stinky presence.
With my medications, they don’t work very well. I honestly have no idea what I think (example: am I pansexual or bisexual?) because my brain be teetering.
I tend to try and ignore things so when my doctor asks me to rate something them I’m kinda like “uhmmm… Idk.”
-My parents do not understand lgbtq+ so they do not support me sadly even though they have no idea-
Recently, my uncle got in jail (for a minor reason we aren’t a criminal master mind family jeez) so he was in there for a few weeks. This is my mom’s side of the family, had drama of it’s own. Like the other side, referred to as dad side, the cousin’s parents hated us.
My uncle then hung himself in jail, breaking my grandmother and grandfather. This is why I’m trying to hold it together for my grandmother and not snap and kill myself which is nearly impossible.
Also, just a week before my uncle died, her brother in-law passed away from cancer (yes this is all fuckin’ 2020).
My mother had to drive down to were she visited her sister to tell her about my uncle (rip :c).
We all know 2020 was the year of the dreaded coronavirus, which obviously made this worse. I was not aloud to see my parents or stay home because of work precautions.
It sucked.
One thing I will put before I forget. I think it is utterly selfish to think of myself like this, or talk about this to others. People are starving in Africa while I’m making people sweat over me because I need mental attention. This is why I do things anonymously.
At my uncle’s funeral, I finally met my cousin after years and years of my uncle and his mom being broken up. This is morbid because this was a funeral, but it was fun! (IM SO SORRY UNCLE D;)
Soon after this, only one thing my Nana is good at, my Nana secretly brought my other cousin to see us. We now secretly talk on GoogleDuo.
-Me casually vibing to Billie Eilish-
Let me explain my being “caught in the middle”.
I am the middle child with an older and a younger. The younger always make ME do the work while the oldest forces me to die alone. They gang up on me a lot too, I can DEFINITELY recall.
And no, younger literally barely even remembers ex-family member who shall not be named.
Is it also sociopathic that I watched porn and someone jump off a roof and watched someone get beheaded on a graphic website? (I sound like the worst child ever)
Honestly I’m just looking for ways to force me to let go. Because a long time ago the fabric yanked from beneath my feet an the sun fell down the pit.
Keep in mind, I’m still twelve.
Now I wanna kill myself I got this shit off my chest few.

Help,
lonely_loner (or broken ***** if you wanna bully me like everyone else)