yup, yup

guitars were put out into the rain, being yelled at for knocking on the door of the house i live in, and now my ‘cats’ are apparently a large burden. [my two cats, [who have an outdoor enclosure and are both adults, desexed, and lovely [AND INVITED HERE]] [[already lost 5 others who i love just as much]] because of this type of bullshit and coming here to support these fuckwits], recently i’ve even been grilled for buying my nephews takeaway or bringing them to visit family. lol. all the while i’m trapped in a fucking shoebox next to a toilet whilst being the only dumb **** paying board [over 50% of the total rent in a house with 5 – 6 adults in it] or giving a fuck about anybody else [shouting takeaway, complimenting their achievements, inviting for drinks, interacting…, and helping to resolve or listen to their apparent issues, ASKING IF ANYTHING IS NEEDED AT THE SHOPS]. seems like the more pleasant or energetic i become, the more these sad motherfuckers want to bring me down, or put me in some imaginary ‘place’ that i must inherently deserve to be in. those people need to realise, you can swear at me [dog’s my favourite] and make me feel like a cockroach [and i do, don’t worry, having to depend on people so unsavoury to keep my cats safe is not a good thing to feel] [[[[if i had no cats, i’d be gone to say the least]]]]]. you can try and bait me into becoming the bad guy and lashing out at you with a freudian headbutt., but please, just actually focus on it, and really realise that im already suicidal, depressed and angry on a level that you are incapable of deliberately inflicting or feeling [and i’m still never a **** to a living thing]. also, be acutely aware, i could physically dismantle any person in this house with my bare hands and a few small tools, probably all of you in one day, so maybe poking at me with sticks is not the best idea. this isn’t a threat or a warning. it’s not a cry for help. it is not loss of control. i can just as consciously slowly close a door as i can slam one. but it might be helpful to understand that i am deliberate in all that i do or say, i’m not intimidated by anything you say or do. and i’m actually just an all round nice guy. who can easily snatch over 120 kgs. not sure if people think they are imposing, or just so confident that i wont lash out that it seems clever to get in my face with gritted teeth every few weeks because i decide to stand up for myself or my cats or [my nephews] [in a characteristically respectful and logical [verbal] manner]. makes me imagine somebody waking up from a blackout and pointing a gun at their own head and laughing right before they pull the trigger, because they aren’t sure if they loaded it up the night before, just to find out if they did. [and they did] OOPSIE DAISIES. 200iq. can i just get a little bit of respect, or just like mutual fucking peace. im an adult. i did not choose this situation [which isn’t even bad, stop causing shit over nothing], i never scold anybody, i never complain about their mess, attitudes, laziness, selfishness, appearance, intelligence [negligible quantities], negligence, waste or sneakiness, i dont steal lie cheat or stink, i dont even turn on the kitchen light when i use the sink late at night. i share, i communicate effectively, i appear to be understanding and supportive. and i am tucked away in a tiny space with the only two things i live for. they must notice i am very unhappy in these conditions. ive been in my place [a shitty fucked up corner with spiders, broken cobblestones, decomposition, dirty bongwater rain and slimey moss] my whole life, even before the current crap began [guessing after my brother got sick they needed a new target to gang up on], but i keep helping the cunts and caring for everyone inspite of seeing how they treat others and having been neglected or mistreated through any of my own darkest hours. i really don’t want or expect them to magically become loving or caring. just come on. stop being cunts. times like this are the reason i don’t celebrate holidays or birthdays for myself or with others [although i don’t mind giving a gift and then walking away and never acknowledging it again [[especially to the most rotten of souls]]. those who are only seasonally decent, make me sick. imagine not going to your own siblings funeral out of spite. abuse me all you like, because without even standing on the side of your face and pulling your arm from its socket in retaliation, i can see you will suffer harshly in time. you think you know dark places but you don’t. i might be fucked and emotionally pretty like, bad. but thinking about eternal rest is enough to make me happy all the way through. keeps me healthy. you guys though?, once you are on your own, not even light will be able to escape. enjoy these moments coz i know, and deep down im sure you do as well. that you have no loyalties or honour towards yourselves or others, and will all die afraid and alone [i’ll probably stop by though] in your respective solitary bubbles. heartless and cold with no remorse or consideration for anything you’ve inflicted or are accountable for. having a mutual target is the only thing that stops you from destroying each other, [this is how dogs behave] and it’s always cycled between me or my brother.. feel like these are the type of people who would make my tiny dog bite one of the children so they could ask me to kindly take the vicious dog somewhere else instead of having the balls to just tell me to go die under a bridge. [i think the problem they clearly have, is that i help people within the household become independent, or maybe it’s that i have a charitable nature [donated over 15 litres of blood [my own], or maybe it’s that sometimes i am likeable and appear to be happy. maybe it’s that i stand up for those who can’t protect themselves. maybe it’s just that i am too kind or generous or supportive towards them. i mean, what else could it be. all in all, inspite of the daily emotional flaying, it makes the bitterness sweet when my subjects begin to feel better about themselves, gain confidence to do what they desire and begin to experience things they never thought accessible [[like a sense of self worth] [[[which is the last thing you should display around here]]]]. probably seems like this is only one side of the story, but, ‘t’isn’t. it is what it is.. [just rememebered one time i bought something cool for one of them, and another one told me earnestly that ‘you can’t buy peoples love.’ which was kind of the first time id ever thought about that idea. lol. coin means nothing to me. i bought them the thing because i knew they would enjoy it] i’m pissed off. just really hate it when, ya know, people use my cats to hurt me. nobody ever disses my dog though. probably because she does tricks and licks them. i would kill or die for all of them. so yeah, just stop it. cheers fam