Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I thought I wouldn’t be on here again. You may know me by a different username. It’s been 8 years. I thought I was healed, lifted from the darkness that consumed every ounce of light around me. When I used this site regularly, I thought there was no hope. So when I actually did get out of the hole, I felt so free. So happy. So full of light. I couldn’t believe it! Trust me when I do say, that it IS possible. It IS possible to get through whatever you’re going through. I’ve been there.
But no one will warn you of falling back into the same hole or a different hole. Now that you’ve experienced depression once, it is easier to fall again. You might even fall faster than the first time. The hole might be bigger, deeper, darker. There could be no one around this time. Maybe this time, is the last time you will fall into this hole; and not because you will get out of it, but because you will die. You will have actually successfully ended it. And then none of it will have mattered, trying so hard to get out of it the first time. Will getting out the second time be worse or better? Could I use the same techniques I did the last time to get out? Am I smarter now? Will I have learned from my past mistakes? No, I think it will be harder, to the point where I will no longer try. Why?

The first time I stared death in the face, I did not know anything. I was young, and stupid. I didn’t know what made me happy. But now I do, I know exactly what it takes to make me happy. I know what true happiness feels like, and that’s what got me out of the hole in the first place. That [noun] that made me happy, is no longer there. I will never feel that way again. The key to my happiness is truly lost. When you know exactly what it takes to be happy, it is almost impossible to replace. Nothing will be good enough.

What exactly happened during those 8 years? A lot of good things. A LOT. I was out of the hole, and I graduated at the top of my class. I was famous around my university, I had a loving boyfriend, I thought I had everything. What the fuck happened?

I think it is time I start writing the series of unfortunate events that occurred starting 8 years ago – to your own mother forgetting your name, to your best friend dying, to scoring the worse mark in history for the toughest entrance exam, to a horrible accident that disfigured your face, to battling from PTSD, to getting engaged followed by a heartbreak, to when colleagues steal your work to get awards presented by the Queen of England, to your dog dying, to fighting chronic illnesses, to being wheel-chair bound, to losing all your friends… If you’re interested, please stick around. I have tons to write, and I’ve got the time. I’ll be in this hole for awhile. If you’re down here with me, please drop a hello.

death by chocolate