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by pa47385

the last few days, as i was falling asleep, there was this one thought running through my mind: “people need bullshit to stay alive – they have to be brainwashed into staying alive – couldn’t i brainwash myself too? what would be the best way to do that?”

i have been looking for a good reason to keep going. i didn’t see a point in anything during the last few months.

when i was a kid, i wasn’t surrounded by people who would appreciate my presence, and signal to me that it’s okay to just be me and do my thing.

i would keep asking my parents: why bother? what’s the point? what then? what next?

my family would fall apart shortly after. my mother became depressed.

as i kept growing up, i didn’t understand why i was desirable, why people were hitting one me, or what any of those behaviors meant.

now, as an adult, a suicidal person repeated those words at me: what’s the point? what will you do next?

that was several years ago. i was struggling to find an answer to those questions. i became apathetic towards everything, i stopped enjoying things, i stopped taking care of myself.

yesterday, i concluded, that i don’t need a reason to keep going. i don’t have to find a way to brainwash myself. to me life is pointless, in several ways. i have to do only one thing instead: i have to stop thinking about the end. stop associating the pointlessness with suicide. i was quite calm after that and fell asleep shortly after.

i had a dream that was different from all the others. i didn’t have a dream like this since i was a kid. i was immersed in this dream, i didn’t realize that it was a dream. i was bored in it, and calm, and everything around seemed complete stable and peaceful. i did one thing: i grabbed my computer, and started doing graphic design – the most enjoyable activity from my childhood – and i did enjoy it.

yes. it happened. after all those years. i just simply did a thing, calmly, without having to lock out my thoughts, without constantly thinking: what’s the point, why am i even doing this.

i did it. it’s ridiculous and crazy. but this is it. this is the end, that’s all there was to it.

i am sorry for annoying people on this website. and for any of my lethal words that in the long run could have caused people to choose to leave. i didn’t realize the power of those words. i didn’t intend any of this, i made this account only to check how the interface looks on the inside.

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pa47385 3/7/2021 - 10:22 pm

i haven’t cried in years as much as i cried after writing this. do it brain, etch this into your circuitry. you needed this.

system 3/7/2021 - 10:55 pm

This made me smile. It seems you’ve made a ton of progress in terms of existential thinking, or at least how to deal with it.

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