the last few days, as i was falling asleep, there was this one thought running through my mind: “people need bullshit to stay alive – they have to be brainwashed into staying alive – couldn’t i brainwash myself too? what would be the best way to do that?”
i have been looking for a good reason to keep going. i didn’t see a point in anything during the last few months.
when i was a kid, i wasn’t surrounded by people who would appreciate my presence, and signal to me that it’s okay to just be me and do my thing.
i would keep asking my parents: why bother? what’s the point? what then? what next?
my family would fall apart shortly after. my mother became depressed.
as i kept growing up, i didn’t understand why i was desirable, why people were hitting one me, or what any of those behaviors meant.
now, as an adult, a suicidal person repeated those words at me: what’s the point? what will you do next?
that was several years ago. i was struggling to find an answer to those questions. i became apathetic towards everything, i stopped enjoying things, i stopped taking care of myself.
yesterday, i concluded, that i don’t need a reason to keep going. i don’t have to find a way to brainwash myself. to me life is pointless, in several ways. i have to do only one thing instead: i have to stop thinking about the end. stop associating the pointlessness with suicide. i was quite calm after that and fell asleep shortly after.
i had a dream that was different from all the others. i didn’t have a dream like this since i was a kid. i was immersed in this dream, i didn’t realize that it was a dream. i was bored in it, and calm, and everything around seemed complete stable and peaceful. i did one thing: i grabbed my computer, and started doing graphic design – the most enjoyable activity from my childhood – and i did enjoy it.
yes. it happened. after all those years. i just simply did a thing, calmly, without having to lock out my thoughts, without constantly thinking: what’s the point, why am i even doing this.
i did it. it’s ridiculous and crazy. but this is it. this is the end, that’s all there was to it.
i am sorry for annoying people on this website. and for any of my lethal words that in the long run could have caused people to choose to leave. i didn’t realize the power of those words. i didn’t intend any of this, i made this account only to check how the interface looks on the inside.