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Dead

by annie39

I’m so not okay, I can’t feel anymore. This darkness inside of me is growing so rapidly that I can’t even control it anymore. I have nothing, nothing at all. Only the pain in my heart. Nobody even sees me anymore, I’ve become someone I don’t even know, I’m so fucking lost. I’ve tried to end it all twice and both times I woke up the next day, contemplating my life again. My heart feels heavy all the time, yet I’m numb to everything. I look at myself in the mirror, while I’m crying and I don’t see myself in my eyes anymore, I don’t know her. I feel as if I’m running through a maze with no end. I hurt everyone around me so maybe I should just go, leave everyone in peace. I drag every single person down with me, I deserve to be alone. One less burden. I just need to die…everything will be better. I don’t even deserve my happiness anymore, I don’t desire it, I don’t long for it. I’m so fucking sensitive and I don’t ever even know how to feel. My mood changes so fast that my brain can’t keep up with it. The world is so blurry, I can’t see anything. I just need to feel again, feel something, fucking anything. I’ve lost myself and I don’t think she’s coming back, I don’t know when I lost me, but I did, she’s gone. Everyone has a reason but where’s mine. I’ve been fucking searching and nothing seems to stay. I feel like I’m screaming on the inside, ripping apart my flesh, but I’m okay on the outside, or at least I appear to be. I feel like I just want everyone to fuck off. Leave me be, don’t do this to yourself. I want to let go of everything. I want to cry forever, let everything go. Every time I hear people say I love you it’s like I see you but I don’t hear you. I want to force happiness on people so I know they’re ok and I can be satisfied knowing they’re okay, while I’m falling apart. My parents are such amazing people, but omg have they messed me up for life. My dad and I never get along and he said things that I will never forget. I need my dad but a daughter shouldn’t have to beg her dad for that relationship. I look at the stars at night and wish I could fly with them, shine as bright as them. Maybe by the time somebody finds this I will be shining bright, just not here. All this pain was too much to take, I couldn’t bear it. It ate me alive till there was nothing left. I want to just die. Im dying on the inside, what’s the difference. So many nights go by where I’m on the floor with tears rolling down my face with a knife in hand and bloody arms and legs. I tell myself to just do it, bleed till there’s nothing left and you don’t feel anymore. Everything just stops. So when you find me, don’t be surprised, Everyone knew and did nothing. Will it ever be okay. My thoughtst get so loud and overhwhleming that i just need them to stop, one fucking moment of peace. But with that comes death, that’s the only was to stop everything. Nobody ever sees how hard I fight everyday, the urges I fight to hurt myself again. Just say goodbye to everyones, listen to my last song, my last cry, alone. All I want is to be put 6 feet under, and never return. I want to die so fucking bad, sometimes i crave it. It’s all I think about sometimes. I gave everyone around me so many calls for help, in hope that they’d save me before I fell to the ground dead. They didn’t, all they did was make the pain worse. The only real love i feel is from aaron and even then sometimes i feel worthless, like i mean nothing and that he doesn’t care if he loses me. People’s words cut so deep into my heart, I just bled out. I just wanna be alone. I’m scared of what I’m capable of, my thoughts are so intense and deep, what if I’m the same on the outside. I just wanna be held. Feel again. Everything hurts. I need to be resuscitated. Who the fuck am I? I look into my eyes when I’m crying alone, right before I cut, and I see nothing, nothing but hurt and a story. But maybe a story that can’t be read aloud, only if I’m not here. How can nobody else around me see all the pain in my eyes? I really don’t know how this is gonna end, or if it ever will. Will I have to end it? I wish somebody wanted me, needed me, fought for me. I’m in this thing called ¨life¨, what is it, why am I even here. Some people are meant to come and change people’s lives, but sometimes change needs to happen because of someone’s life. Maybe im that somebody, maybe the onle way things will change for everyone is if I say fuck it and cut deep enough to end it. Change will happen when i’m gone, for bella. My parents will see what they did wrong, how much they hurt I had, and I hope and pray change will happen. I just wanna rest my head, I need an angel to come and tell me my times up, it was fun while it lasted. I’m never gonna find my peace, my mind is my biggest fear. So many dark thoughts moving so fast. I’m so tired, too tired. Im tired of being shamed for everyhting I do, im tired of always having to be strong, just so fucking tired. I spend my nights locked in my head. I can’t find the strength to smile. I want to feel safe in my head, I see no point to life. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you, all of it will be erased with 200 pills. I’m a russian doll, so many things packed in, closed shut so no one can ever see what’s at the core. All I want to do is hurt the person I see in the mirror. I feel so fucking empty, god i cant take this. But darkness seems to feel like home now, where I belong. Peaceful destruction. I feel like I can feel every single last bit of pain inside my body and it’s tearing me apart. My body is just black, just dead, gone. There’s this little light by my heart, the slightest bit of sun shining in, but it’s dimming more and more, until it’s eventually gone. But my body is so cold, grasping for the slightest bit of warmth left. I’m just waiting for the flowers to finally bloom. But my heart is so cold, it won’t ever bloom. 

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2 comments

Robert77 3/24/2021 - 7:31 pm

That was very heavy and I have felt most of those things at times. I was like that a week ago and just felt peace knowing I was going to die very soon. I guess im hanging on because im seeing my ex wife again and she is bipolar and a bigger mess than me but she has also damaged a lot of the inside of me over the years. Our son is a even bigger mess but he is now in alcohol treatment and is also bipolar. Im not seeing many people anymore thats lives are not a mess. I live in one of the darkest places and that is Oregon. Its just awful here and the rain , wind and storming is matching my mood right now. Maybe a sunny place would be better for those of us sitting in this deep darkness.

Jhecev 3/24/2021 - 11:56 pm

I’m sorry
I’m proud of you cause you have kept going
Sometimes a good innocent feeling will come along I’m sure of it
That’s what I live for

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