Still broken, back yet again

I’m tired… I could honestly just leave it at that and it would be correct, but I need to vent.

I’ve come so far in the last few years, done things I never thought possible and grown and loved and lost and loved again, unhealthy healthy, working and jobless, overall progress. And yet, I’m still empty. I still have intrusive suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I don’t want to hurt anyone but damn does it seem nice to just give in and stop feeling.

I’ve always been more emotional than my peers, which as a man hasnt helped me much. The older I get the more I start to lose hope. I feel like a shell. I’ve spent most of my adult life pretending, being a chameleon, fitting myself into whatever role I think is expected of me in the moment to appease others.

Now as I look around and take stock of my life and my decisions, I realize how hollow and empty and dark that is. Now I want to live for myself, be my own person, and find what makes me happy.

Well… I don’t know who or what I am now. The more I try to discover, the more I try to connect with something, the more I feel like an outsider. An interloper who neither belongs here nor there. And I feel as if no matter how hard I continue to try it will only serve to make me feel worse.

My girlfriend’s best friend just got proposed to. We all started dating at roughly the same time. Me and my girlfriend would have been engaged now too if it weren’t for what a fucking idiot I have been and still somewhat am today. That hit me. Not that her best friend was getting married, but that it made me realize, that would be us if it weren’t for me. I hate myself that I always have to make everything about me, that I couldn’t just be excited for her friend. But that’s another post.

I feel terrible sometimes. This girl is amazing, caring, thoughtful, she really tries. And I try too. But sometimes I feel like she deserves better. Someone like her friend is with, someone she could get engaged too one day, and have a normal life with. Not me, with the rapidly changing moods and struggling sense of identity. She says she loves me and I believe her, and I love her too. So much. And I simply can’t help but fear that all I’m going to bring her is more pain, more than I already have. I never cheated or anything and I never would, but I know I’ve caused her pain. I’ve caused so many people so much pain through my actions. I take responsibility for that, regardless of my mental state or what I was dealing with. Because I know I can’t take it back no matter how badly I want to.

Before I start rambling again though, I’m just tired. I’m tired of doing well for a little while then crashing back down. I’m tired of giving people hope, including myself, and then just failing spectacularly. I’m tired of questioning myself about everything. I’m tired of the indecisiveness and lack of any positive emotion. I’m tired of constantly having to talk to myself to keep myself grounded. I’m tired of constantly feeling like I’m screaming and punching and kicking and sobbing on the inside, while appearing entirely still on the outside. I’m tired of the world, the way it works, and some of the people in it. In tried of being part of this. I’m tired of being here. I’m tired of life. I’m tired of all of it. I’m just… Tired.