This Sunday, it will be one whole month since the day that I thought would be my last. I got prescribed a drug by my therapist this Monday. Olanzapine, I’m supposed to take it every night. It feels weird. I thought that taking medicine would make me feel even worse but now I don’t really care, I just swallow the pill.
If anything, I miss having a normal life. I miss being able to call someone and have fun whenever I wanted to. I miss studying. I miss having something to do, and people to care about. I know my limits, though… I won’t try to push them. For some reason my family seems to care a lot more about me than I care about me. I don’t even want their help. I’m going to be seeing a therapist every week from now on. Not the one I’ve seen before, he’s too expensive apparently. I hope it works out. I’m tired of myself. I’m either doing things because I have to, or someone told me to. I don’t have any interests, but it feels weird that I can’t control myself. It’s just like watching a movie. Talking makes me happy. But I don’t like talking very much. I don’t like having to go through all this, but I’ve already decided I won’t kill myself. It’s been almost a whole month since I made that decision. This website helped me realize that. I guess I should say I’m grateful, but I’m not.