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Another night in Hospital……

by ivygradhc

I made a post yesterday about how I consider my depression of the last 50 years to now be a terminal disease (I am 59 so the math is easy).    I had hoped that I would see some responses, suggestions, and or rebuffs and was sad that I did not, but then again.  I am posting here so what should I expect.

I am still in the psych ward of the community hospital and have been here 4 nights so far with tonight to be number 5.   I will definitely see number 6 here because I have been very honest and candid about how I feel and what I was planning that brought me here (Had I done it I would not have needed a ride here, as I would have gone right to the morgue) .   Well the thought is still on my mind.   Being here I am safe enough so I do not have any real practical way to do anything other than generate attention to me and I will not do that to the staff that are doing to help others here.    I will only go for the sure thing.

I thought after the first few nights I would see things differently but I am not.   If anything I am annoyed that I kept a promise to my wife (who is leaving me) that I would get some help before I proceeded with my plan.   Well I kept that promise and came here.      However when I leave I do not see myself any new promises.   I am being candid and honest with the team here about all this.    I find it easier to deal with two of the nurses and one of the tech’s easier than talking the Doctor.   Part of that is I deal much better talking personal feelings with women than I do with men.

On Monday I am supposed find out whether a facility that works with more depression cases than general may take me (These type of units tend to have more people with substance abuse issues than anything else) so maybe i will find better ways and tools to deal with this.  Who knows.

I have heard and said to people that things get better.   My problem here is I am in my 4th cycle with this and my age and I am losing the vision of confidence in that.

I just wish I could see some sort of hope or light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Again,   I welcome your comments. suggestions, rebuffs, whatever……

 

Thank you all

5 comments
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5 comments

system 4/18/2021 - 12:10 am

the fact that you stopped what you were doing and went to the ward is a huge deal. and being honest about your issues is very scary, so I’d consider that a big step forward on your part. keep walking forward and the light at the end of the tunnel will start to show up little by little. it takes work, but you can and will get there. thank you for making the choice to stay, making the choice to give life another chance.

nobody else 4/18/2021 - 2:56 am

Depression over age 40 (midlife) is way different from depression in the first half of life. I guess you know that. I have no hope to offer, just commiseration. No, it doesn’t get better, not when you’ve lived with it this long. There’s another site Chronic Suicide Support that’s more geared to the older crowd and you might get some helpful wisdom there, but things have gone mostly quiet probably because well we’re a dying breed.

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/18/2021 - 10:57 am

I can only imagine that what you are going through is difficult. I’m not missing that this is long term but please don’t react to your wife leaving by killing yourself: you’ve made it this far, that shows you are strong. The next chapter might be starting poorly but some of the best stories emerge from hardship, at least give out some time to see what the next chapter may offer, you might find that you can do things that make you happier. This is a pivotal moment, see where it goes. Go to the recovery and build your new reality with what you learn.

brighteyes 4/19/2021 - 3:06 am

I’d stop in a heartbeat if my mother felt like you do now. After my stepdad’s funeral,

She’d call me and we’d talk for hours. Sometimes, she’d cry, until

we talked long enough to remember the good times, old memories, the funny ones.

When they met, he lived in a trailer littered with insulin needles. He didn’t have toes

on one foot and couldn’t really get around. He was also a bad hoarder- junk all over

the place. He was stubborn to leave the junk behind, too, God, so stubborn, but

my mom gave him the boot about leaving it and he obediently did. Gave up

smoking under command too, makes me chuckle… he did everything she said if it was

reasonable. She was a bad alcoholic when they met. She was in her mid-sixties back

then. She hardly drank after they married. They did everything together, you know,

same shows, puzzles, diabetic dinners, gossip about dumbass family members-

but now, seven-eight years later, he passed away. My mom had to move out of the

home they shared, into a one bedroom apartment, and had to grieve all alone during

this shit-wreck pandemic. With heart failure, nobody could really visit her- too risky.

Thankfully, there’s a phone to check on her with. The change she had to go through

felt rough, but I think her duty to look after people helped her keep her mind off of

this big change. She’s also quite nosy about what the neighbors are doing / wondering

if they’re going through trouble etc. She isn’t a closed off person, when she was upset

she cried, I mean, bawled. You seem like you’re more like my father, pinned up,

someone that puts everybody else first. He literally built a deck made of wood after

his divorce. Didn’t talk about things. He felt like it was selfish of him to cry, it isn’t.

Don’t cry alone like he did. It’s okay to be the weakest person in the room. People

care. you’re important to them- don’t leave them behind thinking it wouldn’t hurt

them tremendously.

brighteyes 4/19/2021 - 3:10 am

she lost her sister during this pandemic, too. *you aren’t alone*

I’m sorry you’re feeling like crap.

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