Chronological order.

I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing. So I’ll try to maybe “organize” my pain? I guess? Well, I’ve always been lonely. I’ve never had any close friends. That’s just the case. When I was around 11 years old, or maybe 9, or maybe even earlier, I started having double personalities. To explain, I was one person at school, another person at home. Then eventually, I was one person with one group of people, and another person with another group of people. So when those groups of people met, I didn’t know what to do, and I became nervous, usually just following “the script” (not having any personality at all).

Then, when I was 13, or maybe 14? I moved to a different country. I didn’t know the language that they spoke there. So I felt even more disconnected. I kept contact with some of my friends, but at the moment, I barely remember them, I remember their names, how they looked like, but not how they acted. I haven’t kept contact with anyone really. It took me a while to feel like I actually had a group of friends in that new country. I always spoke english, even though that technically wasn’t the language that they spoke in that country, which my teachers criticized me for. Whatever. Then, I stayed there for two years I think. I moved there in May 2017 and left there in July 2019. Currently I live in Spain. I haven’t kept contact with anyone from that other place though. I made some friends my first year, but… I don’t know what happened to me. I think they got too close to me, and I pushed them away. They didn’t understand it, and I didn’t either. The second year, I also made some friends, but I never felt close to them. I always felt like an outcast.

Then, when I moved to Spain, the same thing happened here. First year, I’m very popular, I have lots of friends. 6 months pass. I shut myself in. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I barely want to go to school. I can’t sleep at night. I don’t eat much. But I did pass the grades that year, somehow. Mainly because of covid-19 honestly. Then, over the summer, I didn’t talk to a lot of people. I have a pool near my house so I don’t really have to. I did go to one party though. It was fun, I guess. While it lasted, anyway. After that, well, I got into what would have been my second last year of education before going to University, but I don’t know. I couldn’t make any friends. I tried to. I made one friend. And I had friends from the year before in another class room, but I never saw them so it didn’t really matter. Again, I felt like I didn’t belong there really. Just like always. I couldn’t form any type of connection with anyone. I guess I just don’t know how to join a conversation. I’m not sure. But well, I kept studying at least. I didn’t pass any subject. That didn’t really help me at all. My teachers seemed to be worried about me, but well, I’m 17 years old so it’s not like anyone can fix my relationships for me. I don’t really know how to make friends, I guess. Though I did make friends last year. And the two years before that. Maybe I’m not the problem? I know people were spreading rumors about me. I’m not sure what those rumors were though. But well, around October I stopped going to school almost entirely. I’ve been to school maybe 7 or so times since then. Mostly because the closest friend I had forced me to. He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore though. I guess he got tired of putting up with me.

Then, throughout most of winter, and up until now, I’ve spent most of my time in my bed. Not doing much. Mainly just being on the internet honestly. I remember back in December or November, someone that I met on the internet told me, “Get off the internet… please, before it’s too late.” It was already too late when she told me that. By some miracle, I managed to get a girlfriend in February I think? Late february or early March. February 28th (my birthday) was the worst day of the year for me. Probably the worst day of my life so far. The week after that, I cut myself twice and passed out on the floor from low blood sugar because I refused to eat anything. To explain, I met my girlfriend over the internet. She was mute because of a car accident she was in, so we never called each other. But well, she really helped me. She made me think that my life was tolerable while I was at my lowest point. Or maybe I was just looking for any excuse not to kill myself because deep down I don’t(didn’t) really want to. I promised her that if she killed herself, I would kill myself, and she promised me that if I killed myself, she would kill herself. That’s the main reason I didn’t do it. I was really unfair to her honestly. Sure, I can say that I was in pain and use that as an excuse, but I don’t think there is any excuse for what I did to her. I guess you could say I used her as a crotch and then threw her away when I didn’t think I needed her anymore. That’s the best way I can describe it. I can’t change that. I can’t make up some bullshit to excuse it, and there’s no way for me to make up for it. I have to get over it somehow though. I’m not sure if I actually feel fine right now. On the surface, I always look like I’m doing fine. Emotionally, at least. Honestly, my mind and my feelings are the only things I care about atm. If I bother with anything else, it’s bound to get worse. Two days ago I desperately wanted to kill myself, yesterday I was extremely happy and today I’m calmly analyzing myself. I don’t think I’m bipolar.

I am sad now. I don’t know why. I just feel that way. The heavy, empty feeling is consuming me again. Like always. It’s so relaxing. But so uncomfortable.