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Day 10 in the Hospital – Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

by ivygradhc

Light at the end of the tunnel for my depression is still non existent.   I feel like I just should of gone through with my plan.   the only thing that stopped me was keeping a promise to my wife who had told me 2 days before that she was leaving me,  go figure.     There is light at the end of the tunnel for a plan after I leave here.    I will be going to a residential facility for about two weeks or as long as the insurance allows.    After that I am planning to do EMBR therapy with my therapist here.     I plan to do it with her because I trust her for something like this over a stranger.

I’ve tried to work with the therapists and Doctors here but success has been sporadic.    The Dr is really there to handle medications and not do any significant counseling and the first Dr. I had was not good at either.  I requested a new Dr. and he at least listens to me.    The counselors range in effectiveness.    Several are just MSW’s maybe with some counseling certification (one admitted his education is in dance)  without sounding condescending It feels like I am smarter than a few of them (Did I mention that in a previous post?  if so I am sorry for being repetitive).   I do not make an issue of this in the groups as I do not want my issue to affect the other patients that the very well may be helping so I sit back and respond only when asked.

I am missing my wife already and dreading the day I see the divorce papers arrive.  This I know I have posted but the thought puts me into a panic attack most times.     I deal with that by trying to focus my thoughts elsewhere.

Well.  I will be here until at least Monday and hopefully a bed opens up in this residential facility.   As always I welcome your feedback, encouragement, rebuffs, comments, and kind words….

Thank you

2 comments
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2 comments

system 4/23/2021 - 7:13 pm

I am hopeful that the bed in the residential facility opens up soon!
Sending love.

heartlessviking 4/23/2021 - 11:53 pm

ouch, I made a similar promise to my ex wife, still haven’t gone through with a full attempt, partially because I feel like it would be her “winning”, as screwed up as that is.

You’re in mourning, for the life you had, and the one you hoped to someday have. I hate it as much as you, but it was gone awhile ago, you’re catching up to that. Anyway, that was all ten years ago in my timeline, and as much as I wish I could say it was worth it, there are times I still regret not doing something about it then, when it would have been pretty well understood. It would have screwed up the ex wife too, which definitely would have been a thing of value.

Get the good drugs, they do help. Right now I’m on an SSRI, a blood pressure medicine, an anti psychotic and medical cannabis. I wouldn’t say it fixes anything, but it numbs me up to wait for my body to catch up with mourning that there is no place for me in the world I grew up…. I’d rather jump ship, be a hermit, but life isn’t cooperating.

I also highly identify with the being smarter than therapists thing. I saw my first therapist at age eight, and am now thirty three and feel no less screwed up. My undergrad is in psychology, and I was ramping up to try and become a clinical psychologist. Ah, lost dreams, I have a large graveyard of those. I’m currently a social worker…. which is less fulfilling than one would hope. It’s pretty much the same as being hospitalized; limited resources, frustrating lack of power and control, and the people around me might be more screwed up than me…. but it is something. I keep hoping I can pull a young person out of the train wreck that has become my career. Lately though, I’d like to make things with wood. Working with my hands is soothing.

I’m sure there’s something inane out there that would provide comfort for you, but for now don’t feel so much pressure to find it. It’s okay to be screwed up, most people are from time to time.

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