Sleep evades me tonight. It is almost two in the morning so it is either a late day eight or an early day nine. Luck evades me as well. I complained about the sleep and requested the prescribed medication. However when they took my blood pressure it was too low for them to allow the medication. Not mad at the nurses. They are doing their best to help. Just mad at the overall situation still.
Even though it looks like I have a plan for two to three weeks of residential treatment when I get out of here and EMBR therapy when I get home I am dreading going home. The house will be empty without my wife, and I do not have the strength to deal with the arrival of the divorce papers when that happens. I want to have all components of my plan ready when that happens as a backup.
Again this depression is fifty years old so I’ve heard the words “It gets better” many times. It has gotten better several times. But then it has turned back on itself and sucked even worse. This is why I consider my depression terminal. Is there a disease called Cancer of the Personality? If so I am in the final stages. Yesterday I had some hope when the information on the residential facility came together. But after thinking of it and all the things that seem to go wrong Getting to sleep tonight is part of this pattern. I try to use what I learned from CBT to deal with my thoughts going to these dark places all the time but that has failed me as well. I am not strong enough to stay in the right place whatever that is.
I have never been diagnosed as bi polar but now I am up and down almost minute by minute. Is this new or part of the terminal process.
Well Lets see how the rest of this day goes.