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Day Seven in the Hospital – Still feel terminal and options seem to be fading away

by ivygradhc

I signed myself into the hospital to keep a promise to my wife that I would not follow my plan to disappear (That is the expected result of my death).  Each day hear the desire for that has gotten stronger.    I have attended groups.  listened to counselors and been open to options for longer term in patient care.  Each thing that seams to look promising is evaporating still.   It is like I am playing against a stacked deck of cards.   No way will I win nor no way will I get better.    I know someone will say “Things Get Better” and they do, but in my case I have had this for almost 50 years (I was 11 when I first thought of suicide and it has been on my mind at least once a day ever since.

This I consider terminal.   So why cant I just be comfortable and follow my plan which should be peacefull.     I am waiting for the social worker to come back with any additional options for longer care.  If I have none then I am going to start the process of getting myself discharged.   That will probably take a few days but by the time I get home I will have the supplies I need delivered and I can just go to sleep peacefully.     I will try to talk to my daughter and my wife and other families before without telegraphing my intentions.    I think talking about past fun times may take care of that.     My wife is planning to divorce me anyway and it will be much easier for her if she is widowed anyway.

Me being selfish?  I don’t think so.   I am just accepting 50 years of illness that has no cure.

 

Again I will look at feedback.

 

Take care all and please do not take my situation as inspiration.

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2 comments

TheOpenRoad 4/21/2021 - 4:52 am

I’m sorry for your pain. The world seems grey to you right now, but sometimes we don’t even realize it, but that’s just the filter on our senses. The parts of us we think of as ‘ourselves’ are nothing but chemicals and electricity.
Maybe changing the chemicals in you will help you see things differently. Try antidepressants I guess.

Sbilko 4/21/2021 - 12:57 pm

Please, do reconsider. Life is one and priceless, it can be soo beautiful.

If you weren’t in pain, would you still have such thoughts? If the pain is not big, one can get used to it (I have back pain I often forget about); if it’s existential pain, one can search for an answer.

Your wife does care for you, because she doesn’t approve of this. If not for your wife, then at least for your child and for yourself, for life can be beautiful too. I send you love and a hug! if it brings you comfort ^^,

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