I signed myself into the hospital to keep a promise to my wife that I would not follow my plan to disappear (That is the expected result of my death). Each day hear the desire for that has gotten stronger. I have attended groups. listened to counselors and been open to options for longer term in patient care. Each thing that seams to look promising is evaporating still. It is like I am playing against a stacked deck of cards. No way will I win nor no way will I get better. I know someone will say “Things Get Better” and they do, but in my case I have had this for almost 50 years (I was 11 when I first thought of suicide and it has been on my mind at least once a day ever since.
This I consider terminal. So why cant I just be comfortable and follow my plan which should be peacefull. I am waiting for the social worker to come back with any additional options for longer care. If I have none then I am going to start the process of getting myself discharged. That will probably take a few days but by the time I get home I will have the supplies I need delivered and I can just go to sleep peacefully. I will try to talk to my daughter and my wife and other families before without telegraphing my intentions. I think talking about past fun times may take care of that. My wife is planning to divorce me anyway and it will be much easier for her if she is widowed anyway.
Me being selfish? I don’t think so. I am just accepting 50 years of illness that has no cure.
Again I will look at feedback.
Take care all and please do not take my situation as inspiration.