How? I don’t know. I just have this feeling… I know I deserve to feel better. But I don’t like feeling better. It feels like I’m forcing myself to feel better just so I can meet my parents expectations.
I try to tell myself… “I’m fine”. I seem fine from another person’s perspective, I think. More or less. Or maybe not… I don’t know. I feel wrong. I still have thoughts about… well. “What if I just tripped and fell down the stairs, “By accident”. Nobody would miss me, right?” “In 5 years? In 20 years? Will it be anything different than if I just, ACCIDENTALLY happen to… lose my balance for a moment.”
What do I know about how I should feel? It’s not like I have a choice. Writing this is really hard for me because I don’t want it to be true. I had to stop to cry for five minutes… I don’t understand, I’ve never been emotional, why now, why does everything have to be so bad in the moment where I’m almost finishing my education? Why is it that I’ve almost never felt bad about anything, but then I leave my cat and I can’t even process what I feel? I can’t even think clearly without having someone else. I can’t think clearly if I keep everything inside of me. But I can’t express my feelings either. I just… what am I even? How do I know if what I do is right or wrong even. I know, I have a moral compass… What I mean is… What makes me feel right. Does anything feel right? Everything is so wrong, so uncomfortable. I don’t want to feel better, why do I force myself so hard… just because I’m stubborn… Do I have to? It feels better to feel bad. When I laugh… when I smile… anything really. It doesn’t feel nearly as good as those days I spent… with a belt in my hand… just thinking… if I just… if I just, for one moment, stopped caring about consequences, if I could allow myself to be selfish for one moment… I wouldn’t need to stay here if I did. I don’t understand. Why did it feel so good to feel so bad? That feeling, like a combination of euphoria, fear, anticipation, and also sadness and apathy. Why does it feel so good? And why does everything else feel so wrong?