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I am truly sorry but my depression is terminal

by ivygradhc

This posting is probably a first, as I am writing it from my room in the mental health section of the community hospital.       I checked myself in 3 days ago.   At that time I was actively putting the pieces of my plan to disappear into action.   I say disappear as all I want to do is to disappear from this world, the disappointments, the disappointments of others, the disappointments that I caused, and the fear of loneliness that I can no longer control.

I had mad a promise to my wife (who has recently informed me she is leaving) that If I found myself planning then I would take action to get some help and I kept that promise.    The supplies I need are set up for order so they are not at the house but I can go online and easily fix that.

I came here to the hospital and I was brutally honest.   I gave them the details of my plan,  how I felt at this moment, and the history of my depression which I have had since I was 11 (and I am now almost 60)  I also said I am not sure how treatment will work.   In as much as nothing is certain,   The only way I see myself making treatment work is just something to give me hope.    I am getting the same lines “it gets better” and although I have seen this happen in the past,  I just cannot take another cycle down so the buck has to stop here.  I know I cannot expect my wife to change her mind.  Nor can I fault my daughter for missing the call she said she would make this evening after I told her earlier in the day.   Probably something came up.   But it is a lot of these disappointments that reflect the ‘luck’ I seem to have in life.

My ultimate fear is loneliness and with no real friends and the loss of my wife I see no hope.

The caseworkers here are working on transferring me to another facility that looks great on the brochure.   It is not a substance abuse treatment facility that most mental health facilities tend to market.  They say they focus on depression disorders so I feel better about that.   My hesitation as to whether it is worth it is hope.    I do not see hope to some improvement and that is making me wonder whether it will be worth it.  I won’t miss my wife because of the sex.  given my age I have to take a certain medication to even be able to do that and it makes my heart skip beats so bad I’ve given up on that.    I will miss that intimacy of just having her in my arms.   Of making her supper,   celebrating those “just because I love you days”.  We never fought.   I was and will continue to be extremely loyal to her.    I will miss my best and only friend.    I made mistakes and have been trying to correct them but it looks like still not enough for her.      I am still willing to continue to work on this on her terms.    Well,  I cannot wish that things will change and she will be back  I cannot use my desire to disappear as a weapon to change her mind, nor can I beg, plead make threats or anything awful.   No matter what she can keep what she wants.   I wont hire a lawyer.  I’ll just sign off what she gives me.

But I still have no hope nor do I see any.  I will probably have to do this program or stay here a longer time because of my candor when I arrived.   It takes 3 days to sign out, and given what I told the admission team of my plan they will probably fight that.       Maybe I just do the program.   work the depression without the hope and at least get it into some remission.   I can then go home and finish what is inevitable.

I do welcome your feedback on my shared feelings..   Thank you kindly for posting a comment.

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WhoamI_IDKanymore 4/19/2021 - 2:55 am

I am very bad at giving advice but there is one thing that helps me a lot. Your not alone. There are other people. people who understand. People who went through the same thing and survived it. That’s the reason I come here. To see other people like me, to know that no matter how many times it may seem so, I’m not alone. I don’t know if that helps you, but I know it helps me and so I hope it helped you too.

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