This posting is probably a first, as I am writing it from my room in the mental health section of the community hospital. I checked myself in 3 days ago. At that time I was actively putting the pieces of my plan to disappear into action. I say disappear as all I want to do is to disappear from this world, the disappointments, the disappointments of others, the disappointments that I caused, and the fear of loneliness that I can no longer control.
I had mad a promise to my wife (who has recently informed me she is leaving) that If I found myself planning then I would take action to get some help and I kept that promise. The supplies I need are set up for order so they are not at the house but I can go online and easily fix that.
I came here to the hospital and I was brutally honest. I gave them the details of my plan, how I felt at this moment, and the history of my depression which I have had since I was 11 (and I am now almost 60) I also said I am not sure how treatment will work. In as much as nothing is certain, The only way I see myself making treatment work is just something to give me hope. I am getting the same lines “it gets better” and although I have seen this happen in the past, I just cannot take another cycle down so the buck has to stop here. I know I cannot expect my wife to change her mind. Nor can I fault my daughter for missing the call she said she would make this evening after I told her earlier in the day. Probably something came up. But it is a lot of these disappointments that reflect the ‘luck’ I seem to have in life.
My ultimate fear is loneliness and with no real friends and the loss of my wife I see no hope.
The caseworkers here are working on transferring me to another facility that looks great on the brochure. It is not a substance abuse treatment facility that most mental health facilities tend to market. They say they focus on depression disorders so I feel better about that. My hesitation as to whether it is worth it is hope. I do not see hope to some improvement and that is making me wonder whether it will be worth it. I won’t miss my wife because of the sex. given my age I have to take a certain medication to even be able to do that and it makes my heart skip beats so bad I’ve given up on that. I will miss that intimacy of just having her in my arms. Of making her supper, celebrating those “just because I love you days”. We never fought. I was and will continue to be extremely loyal to her. I will miss my best and only friend. I made mistakes and have been trying to correct them but it looks like still not enough for her. I am still willing to continue to work on this on her terms. Well, I cannot wish that things will change and she will be back I cannot use my desire to disappear as a weapon to change her mind, nor can I beg, plead make threats or anything awful. No matter what she can keep what she wants. I wont hire a lawyer. I’ll just sign off what she gives me.
But I still have no hope nor do I see any. I will probably have to do this program or stay here a longer time because of my candor when I arrived. It takes 3 days to sign out, and given what I told the admission team of my plan they will probably fight that. Maybe I just do the program. work the depression without the hope and at least get it into some remission. I can then go home and finish what is inevitable.
I do welcome your feedback on my shared feelings.. Thank you kindly for posting a comment.