I don’t get it. I’m trying my hardest but it gets worse every day. I push myself to my limits every single day. But. I. Can’t. Not anymore. Why didn’t I just do it that day? For the girlfriend that I refused to talk to for 5 days after and then lashed out at, forcing her to leave me because I was angry at myself for not commiting suicide? I should have done it. I don’t get why I didn’t. Now I’m even worse. I’ve been lying on the floor for about 20 minutes but I managed to crawl into my bed. I don’t really feel like doing anything more today. I don’t enjoy still being alive. I should have done it. I should have. I definitely should have done it.
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She saved my life and I’m mad at her for it… What the fuck is wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with you, you’re just in a lot of pain. You’re hurting and you want it to stop, and you didn’t want someone interfering with your plans. I promise you that millions of people react the same way. From what you’ve said, it seems that you’re angry at her actions, not at her as a person.
If you have the resources, I really suggest looking into checking into either an inpatient facility (you sleep there) or an outpatient facility (you go daily or 3 times a week for a couple hours). The social contact you can get from being there is really helpful, and it ensures that you’re not going to struggle alone. I’ve been to both kinds of facilities and they’re really helpful.
I’ve mentioned this before to you but I figured I’ll mention it again: 2-3 things a day. You get to choose which things. They don’t have to be “difficult” ones, either (albeit everything feels difficult during a depressive episode). ie; walk around for 5 minutes, eat something (even if it’s something small), brush your hair.
It’s ok to not have the energy to shower. It’s okay to feel tired, to sleep more than usual. Your lack of energy isn’t your fault. Your brain is chemically imbalanced and as a result, you’re struggling. Recognize that you didn’t ask to be depressed. You didn’t ask to be in pain. You didn’t ask to be suicidal. None of this is your fault. Your feelings are valid, and it’s normal to be more reactive & sensitive when you’re depressed.
I’ve actually been thinking about going to an inpatient facility for the past two weeks. I told my parents about it, but they don’t seem to understand. They seem prejudiced against it. And I remember the 2-3 things a day thing. Your advice is really helpful honestly, I really appreciate it. The problem is, I get really bored, and doing only a couple things a day doesn’t make me feel like I’ve accomplished anything when my mother is always screaming at me telling me how much better she is than me and how little work I do, how tired she is of me being in bed all the time… I really don’t like her. At all. But if I tell her that she will get even more mad at me, so there’s not really anything I can do about it. Thanks though.
Unfortunately, a lot of parents are like that. They don’t understand it, and they don’t bother trying to do so. Her narcissism has clearly had awful effects on you, and I’m assuming you’ve been enduring the emotional abuse from her for a while. Her belittlement of your best effort (aka being able to get up, eat, function to some extent) is not helping you, it’s hurting you. Your distaste towards her is understandable considering the way she treats you. And I completely get the boredom, it’s really hard to combat it when you barely have the energy to do so.
The closest you can get to inpatient right now (with your parents refusing to cooperate with you) is group therapy. COVID has made online group therapy a lot more common, and maybe that’s something you can look into. Try to avoid DBT groups, because I have a feeling that a DBT approach would be really frustrating for you/agitate you. Talk-therapy would probably be more your speed since it’s just venting and listening to others vent.
I had an ex girlfriend many years ago get mad at me for that. Then I went off the deep end after pulling her out of suicide and tried to kill myself with drugs and ODed but survived damnit.