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I Think I’m a Garbage Human

by ravenna121

I’ve hurt lots of people, albeit unintentionally. At school. During activities. On the internet. I didn’t think I was doing anything bad. I didn’t realize. I never do. It’s so difficult for me to understand how others feel and are affected by things, at least not until it’s too late. Even when I’m told that something that I said or did was wrong, I often either can’t understand why it was unacceptable or why it was so to such a great extent. I’ve been called a bully, and I didn’t understand why. I was angry and upset at the label. Even though I went out of my way to say some of these things. I’ve also been called rude. Everyone comments on how much of a goddamned social failure I am, and even my fucking parents are embarrassed. People also seem to be profoundly hurt by things that I say. Some of these people I can never apologize to, as I haven’t seen them in years. And they probably still hold what I said and did to them against me. I feel horrible.

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system 4/28/2021 - 9:03 pm

having difficulty recognizing social cues doesn’t make you a failure, i promise.
it’s okay. it’s human.
people who don’t experience the difficulty with social cues don’t understand that the way you respond to things isn’t out of malice.

poggers 4/28/2021 - 9:18 pm

I think that could also be interpreted as a form of self sabotage, and Its a really hard thing to deal with so I can try to understand how you feel.
My best friend goes through a lot of the stuff you described, but one of the things about her is she shows her love through crude jokes and hitting people when she gets excited. I don’t mind, and in fact I think it’s one of the things I love about her, but it’s also heartbreaking to watch because she tears herself apart since not everyone is me, and not everyone can take it.
I wish she could see herself the way others see her, and the way I see her.
Something that I will tell you though, is just because you do or say things that may seem mean does not make you ill-intended at all.
try to take into mind that other people don’t always see you the way you see yourself, so don’t be too harsh on your own soul.
I wish you the best<3

existential404 4/29/2021 - 12:58 am

“It’s so difficult for me to understand how others feel and are affected by things, at least not until it’s too late.”
Oh, me too. Particularly when people are angry or upset. I never know the right thing to say in those situations and often when I try to say something it ends up making things worse. As a result, I often feel paranoid that something I said or did unintentionally made someone feel hurt or abandoned. Particularly if people take a long time to return a call or text or something. I’ve had quite a few people just suddenly break off contact with me.
You’re not a bully, because you don’t intend to hurt anyone. And I don’t think that people are holding things against you that you said several years ago — if they are, that’s their problem for holding onto it that long. I wonder if you are on the autism spectrum or something like that; inability to read social cues is a common symptom.

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