I hurt her a lot more than she hurt me. I know that. It makes me feel guilty, and pretending she’s dead makes me feel even more guilty, but at least I don’t hope she’ll come back if I do.
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You wanna know why I can assure you, with 100% certainty, that you that you aren’t a bad person? Simple answer: remorse. You are experiencing guilt. That, in itself, renders you as undoubtedly human. Pretending she’s dead will accomplish nothing. Pride yourself in the fact that you recognize that you made some mistakes.
I’ve seen you call yourself a sociopath, and I’m going to be pretty blunt with you and say that’s absolutely incorrect. The minute you mentioned feeling love and feeling remorse immediately disqualifies you from being considered a sociopath/getting diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder (the clinical/proper name for sociopathy). I assure you that I’m not talking out of my ass. I’m telling you as someone who has encountered my fair share of psychopaths and sociopaths in my life. My (most recent) abuser, the one named ****** that I frequently mention in my posts, is a perfect example of a clinical psychopath. He has no conscience, he doesn’t experience remorse, he is unable to feel love, he is terrifyingly charismatic and charming, he’s the most skilled manipulator I’ve met in my life, I could go on for hours. Psychopaths and sociopaths are essentially the same, the biggest difference is that psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made. The words are often thrown around, despite the (clinical) definitions being pretty specific & strict.
The diagnosis (I’m not a psychologist, but I was raised by one & am planning to go into the career) that would be most realistic/probable for you would be Borderline Personality Disorder. But, you can’t be diagnosed with BPD until you’re an adult since it can look similar to hormonal mood swings.
Anyways, enough of my clinical jargon. My point is, you’re human and these kinds of things hurt for a while. One of my exes (kinda abusive albeit) took me a little over a year to “get over”. I still think about him here and there. And he pushed me away. A lot. Didn’t change my feelings for him, I don’t fall out of love easily. Most people don’t. I highly doubt that your ex hates you. It seems like she realized that she can’t “save” you, and that scared her. Which, honestly, is understandable.. but in relationships, trying to “fix” or “save” someone is a big no-no and can end up being detrimental (learned from experience lmao).
I really hope the pain starts to ease up as time passes. As unrealistic as it sounds, time helps with these kinds of things.
I mean. My mother studied psychology. And I hate her. But she makes food for me and acoording to her, I should appreciate that a lot more. She has always told me that I will never be able to feel empathy for anyone unless I make a ridiculous effort to do so, and I lie to her constantly because I don’t want her to hurt me. I don’t think there’s anyone that I’ve ever talked to that I haven’t lied to. Maybe that’s normal. I really doubt it though. I mean, the way my mother acts, I don’t even know if she is manipulating me or if I’m manipulating her, and it really confuses me, it makes me angry because she makes me feel guilty when I haven’t done anything wrong. But I can’t help it. She’s been telling me, for as long as I can remember, that I’m really smart, but a horrible horrible person. How am I supposed to convince myself of anything else without time? I can’t. I need to get away from her. That’s the only way. I hate her. But she’s my mother. I shouldn’t hate her. So something is wrong with me. And I feel guilty for it. It’s a loop, with hate leading to guilt and guilt leading to hate. I don’t know if you’ll even understand what I mean.
I understand this. My parents do love me, but still manipulate me and treat me like shit and that makes me feel super guilty because I plan on cutting off all contact with them. I often wonder if maybe I’m the manipulative one, if I’m the bad guy here.
The truth is; its totally normal and valid to hate your parents if they are toxic people to be around. And if your mum is telling you that you’re a horrible person then she is a toxic person. Thats the truth. My mum says that about me too, but that doesn’t make it right. No parent should ever say that. Ever.
Toxic/abusive parents often manipulate it so the child feels like they are the bad person.
There is nothing wrong with you if you hate her. Trust me on this.
If getting away from your parents is what makes your mental health better, then do it. I’ll probably end up leaving my parents as well.
Your mother having studied psychology doesn’t mean she’s prolific in it. From what I can see, she needs to go the fuck back to school and re-learn everything about behavior study. My mum has her own private practice as well as her doctorate, and that’s great and all.. but the reason that she has a lot of clients if because she’s fantastic at what she does. School can only do so much, and seeing that your mum doesn’t seem to have the patience to listen to her own son when he’s struggling, I doubt she could tolerate listening to a despaired, broken adult vent for an hour. (Yeah I’m coming off as pissy, I just have little tolerance for parents who don’t… I don’t know, fucking parent?)
I’ll let you in on something, I was a compulsive liar for a loooong time. Why? I was scared. I didn’t want people to know me, because if they knew me then they’d have the chance to hate me. Your mother exhibits literal textbook manipulation tactics & manipulative, narcissistic behaviors. She, to be honest, seems like she’s projecting. Lack of empathy… really? So obviously a projection of her own personal issues. She’s bullying you and backing you into a corner so that she can feel like she has power. She has lost the right to be called a mother. She gave birth to you, but she never parented you.
I want you to understand that she is gaslighting you. You aren’t in the wrong here. You’re being manipulated (trust me, I know what it looks like, I’ve learned from the pros lol). Narcissists are really good at making you feel like you’re the problem, that you only have yourself to blame. They put the blame on you so that they don’t have to live with that guilt.
I can tell from the way that you write that there’s a lot of pent up feelings about so many things, and it seems like for a very long time you’ve felt like you’ve been talking to a wall (aka, parents), because they don’t seem to listen. And they aren’t listening, clearly, because you’re not checked into an inpatient right now. If your mother was any level of professional in the therapy field, you would have been in residential treatment the minute your symptoms began to get this bad.
I honestly wish I could have a verbal conversation with you lmao, I make way more sense when my thoughts are flowing in real time.
I know how that feels to not want them to come back but hating them and pretending they are dead won’t work. Ive tried it and it just tears you up more inside. The best thing to do is stay busy and try not to dwell on her and I do know how hard that is but you gotta try. Meeting someone new does help also as I am doing right now.
Yeah, I guess. I just deal with her the same way I deal with my cat. I know my cat isn’t dead, but I haven’t seen him for four years and I doubt that I’ll ever hold him ever again, so if anyone asks about pets, I say I have a dog and a cat that died four years ago. I’m never going to see or hear or hold my cat ever again so I pretend that he’s dead. I don’t really have any work to do, and I don’t really have the possibility of meeting anyone else either. I can try my best not to dwell on her though. It’s hard when almost everything reminds me though. Even the thought of working on anything makes me think about her. I got a bit codependent I think honestly.