I think i might suffer from ptsd And my relationship with my father is pretty bad. We’ve never been really close especially after some events that happened in my childhood. Long story short, verbal and physical abuse. He even used to beat my cat. At best, he would totally ignore my existence, greeting everyone on the table except me, at worst call me a dog in front of guests, whispering that i was digusting. I was pretty badly beaten by my sibling n he n my mum would make me apologize everytime that happened. It was pretty rough man. Sometimes i wonder how i made It out alive. I’m pretty weak personality and emotions wise. I’ve learned how to be obedient so now we just act like nothing happened. I laugh when he makes jokes, greet him with a smile, listen to his crap. Overall, I’m just really afraid of him. Whenever we’re alone, I feel my heart tightening up n time moves slowly. I just can’t take it anymore. I feel like a waken person living with zombies. They act as if nothing happened n I have to fucking play along. Today, my dad called me couldn’t stop fucking talking about what he did today then he started lecturing me about communication skills and how I should be forgiving. Man, something inside me just cracked. Some pretty violent ideas came through my mind, I fucking hate him, I hate this, everything. I fucking wanna die. He destroyed every little piece of self esteem I’ve tried building these days. Now back to point 0. God help me, idk what to do anymore. I have some very important exams coming up, and I’m so behind. I wanna get out of here, I wanna go home, i wanna feel warmth n love. Being severely depressed doesn’t help. There’s just nothing in me. Please I need advice, somebody help me out I beg you.
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveStories of HopeSuicidal Survivors
2 comments
Yeah, there’s not a chance in the world you would experience that kind of long-term trauma and somehow *not* develop severe c-ptsd. I say c-ptsd because the abuse was/is ongoing, and it began during childhood.
That man has lost the right to be called a father. The neglect and abuse you’ve endured at his hands has left you battered. The fact that he thinks he can just waltz back into your life as if he didn’t cause you long-term mental health issues is laughable. Your rage, your exhaustion, your numbness, your depression; all of those things are 100% fucking justified and anyone who tries to tell you that you’re being “dramatic” or tells you to “get over it” is full of shit.
As for advice/therapy suggestions, EMDR is probably your best option. The thing about therapy is that it’s pretty pricey. It sounds like there are a lot of repressed memories and emotions for you to unearth, and processing your trauma is the best way to dig up stuff like that.
I’m sorry your dad was like that, I can kind of relate because I also have abusive parents. Its sad that so many parents are like this, you deserve so much better than that. I can’t believe that he just expects you to forgive him like that, he sounds absolutely awful. Something I want to do when I leave my parents house is to go no-contact and never talk to them again. If your dad is making you feel like shit, maybe it would be best to do the same thing. Whatever happens though, how he acted to you and is acting now is completely unacceptable. I really hope that stuff gets better for you.