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One additional night in the hospital – Feeling Terminal

by ivygradhc

Well,  it is Sunday and things suck.   I know I came here to get a pause on my plan to disappear.  Well I have that and have been very honest with the staff here with my feelings, plan and all that is going on..  I was hoping that that would give me some sort of hope so I can extend that pause or better yet turn it off completely.

Well, it hasnt.    I am now in a closely monitored room along with having my CPAP machine for sleeping confiscated.   I know the staff are doing their jobs so I will not vent anger towards them.

I would like some help defining the timeline of my depression and it’s cycles.    Having had it since I was 10 or 11 and I am now 59 Imore and more wonder if I am now in a terminal phase of it.   If so what kind of care can I get.  In some countries there is end of life options for certain terminal diseases.   Could I include my depression?   I would welcome that.

Unless some miracle treatment finds me I am now thinking more and more that my best option when I am finally able to go home is to revert to my original plan.   I want to leave some sort of memoriaization to my family, not to outline my reasons but to extend my hopes and wishes for them.      Now I have some thinking to do..

As always I welcome feedback,   Pro, Con rebuff,etc.     Please do not ask for details of my plan as I will not share those..  All others who feel the same way as me should do their homework and take their time to really think it through.

2 comments
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2 comments

brighteyes 4/19/2021 - 3:19 am

I’d stop in a heartbeat if my mother felt like you do now. After my stepdad’s funeral,

She’d call me and we’d talk for hours. Sometimes, she’d cry, until

we talked long enough to remember the good times, old memories, the funny ones.

When they met, he lived in a trailer littered with insulin needles. He didn’t have toes

on one foot and couldn’t really get around. He was also a bad hoarder- junk all over

the place. He was stubborn to leave the junk behind, too, God, so stubborn, but

my mom gave him the boot about leaving it and he obediently did. Gave up

smoking under command too, makes me chuckle… he did everything she said if it was

reasonable. She was a bad alcoholic when they met. She was in her mid-sixties back

then. She hardly drank after they married. They did everything together, you know,

same shows, puzzles, diabetic dinners, gossip about dumbass family members-

but now, seven-eight years later, he passed away. My mom had to move out of the

home they shared, into a one bedroom apartment, and had to grieve all alone during

this shit-wreck pandemic. With heart failure, nobody could really visit her- too risky.

Thankfully, there’s a phone to check on her with. The change she had to go through

felt rough, but I think her duty to look after people helped her keep her mind off of

this big change. She’s also quite nosy about what the neighbors are doing / wondering

if they’re going through trouble etc. She isn’t a closed off person, when she was upset

she cried, I mean, bawled. You seem like you’re more like my father, pinned up,

someone that puts everybody else first. He literally built a deck made of wood after

his divorce. Didn’t talk about things. He felt like it was selfish of him to cry, it isn’t.

Don’t cry alone like he did. It’s okay to be the weakest person in the room. People

care. you’re important to them- don’t leave them behind thinking it wouldn’t hurt

them tremendously.

(she also lost her sister during this shitty pandemic.)

sorry you’re going through this crap.

blue_dude15 4/19/2021 - 3:20 am

I know my comment probably won’t be able to change how you feel, but please don’t go through with your plan. You’ve already made it so far, don’t give in yet.
And about your question whether your depression is terminal; its never too late for depression to get better, so please don’t give up hope yet (I’m sorry if I understood the question wrong).
But like I said before, please don’t go through with your plan. You deserve better.

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