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by system

i might be called selfish or vain for what i’m going to say but quite frankly i don’t give a shit because i know neither of those things are true.  i hate my body.  not because i’m ugly but because i’m “conventionally attractive” or some shit.  contrary to what it sounds like, my head isn’t up my own ass and I’m basing this off of what i’ve been told about how i look (for most of my conscious life).  i’m really tiny, i have an hourglass body shape, i’m “fit”, my skin is clear, and i have good facial features (god it’s so hard to write this without sounding like a self absorbed piece of shit).  and you know what?  i fucking hate it.  HATE it.  i wish i was invisible.  i wish i could wear what i wanted without being sexualized and without terrifying old men looking at me.  my size makes me vulnerable.  i’m under 5ft by a reasonable amount.  i’m an easy target.  i want to be ambiguous.  i want nobody to know that i’m there.  people ONLY CARE ABOUT MY BODY.  it’s almost as if i’ve been stripped of my right to be called human and i’m nothing more than an object.  a puppet.  a toy.  i’m so tired of being dragged around and toyed with.  i’m so tired of being used.

will i ever be human again


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blue_dude15 4/11/2021 - 6:12 am

Don’t worry, I know you’re not vain. I hate how often people get sexualised, especially girl/women/feminine presenting people. Why can’t they be treated like human beings? Whats so difficult about that?
I’m sorry you have to go through that, you deserve better

system 4/11/2021 - 1:00 pm

thank you. your comments are always so supportive and i really appreciate it.

thehusk 4/11/2021 - 10:03 am

Desire often brings the worst out of people. If their minds are consumed by what they want but can’t have, they’re unlikely to comprehend the feelings of the other. I wouldn’t want to be in the position women find themselves. I think if I were to somehow be placed in that circumstance, my instinct would be to dress very androgynously in public and become an expert in self-defence/threat avoidance. But there are obviously no easy solutions – this world just kind of sucks sometimes. I suppose it would also suck if you weren’t attractive and had grown up being bullied and told you were inferior for your appearance. All we can really do is adjust to the circumstances we find ourselves in.

system 4/11/2021 - 1:03 pm

your description of your instinct has essentially been exactly what I’ve resorted to over the years. the abuse ive undergone has skewed my gender identity to the point where I’m so terrified of presenting as a woman that ive been identifying as neutral/non-binary since I was around 14. it’s unsettling to say the least.

thehusk 4/11/2021 - 2:57 pm

I’m sure there’s significant numbers of young women taking a similar approach. Though it doesn’t seem to effect everyone to the same degree. Possibly women who are wealthier and come from more stable backgrounds are more insulated from it. If you can afford to avoid situations where you might run into threatening men then it probably reduces it.

system 4/12/2021 - 12:02 am

the thing is
I am extremely financially stable. they’re just everywhere. I can’t run.

thehusk 4/12/2021 - 9:42 am

I suppose what I meant was that I can imagine experiences like that being common for women in the dead end town I live near. But there are wealthier women I know who I can’t really see experiencing that to the same extent – they’re kind of removed from it, if that makes sense? I’m sure there’s still some experience of harassment, but not to the extent that it cripples them.

Postal 4/17/2021 - 4:38 am

Pretty much everyone of every socioeconomic background goes out to bars, clubs, raves, concerts, etc.
and horrible things happen –

Robert77 4/11/2021 - 12:59 pm

It sucks to be used no matter who you are. Most people want to be accepted for the person we are and not how attractive we are or how much money we have. I was a long hair heavy metal guitarists in many bands and good looking when I was younger and the females only wanted me for those reasons instead of me as a person. I had women waiting on my doorstep lol and believe it or not I got very sick of it. So I married a woman that hated heavy metal and listened to country music. As most of you know she turned out to be severely bipolar and she has the personality of Ozzy Osbourne. You just can’t win in this life.

poggers 4/27/2021 - 3:24 pm

This is a very real, and very honest perspective of how we and society view beauty. I think it is unrealistic of the expectations the world holds and the standards that are deemed important. There’s not much I can say, except that I really feel for you and I’m sorry you have to live like this. No one deserves to feel that way. I know that’s kind of a shitty answer, but I’m not going to try to bullshit you and say I understand completely, because I don’t fully understand and I can’t comprehend exactly how your feeling. No one can. But I could try to empathize to the best of my ability since I can only fathom how hard this must be. You don’t deserve any of it.

system 4/27/2021 - 3:30 pm

thank you. the validation is reassuring.

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