Traumatized again

So I had to split from my ex wife with BD/BPD again after 4 months and I made the mistake of texting her yesterday and telling her I will unblock her in a year. Well I let her text me back and got a big pity party from her like usual. I know she was trying to suck me back in and she is good at it. I had to block her then again. I haven’t got past it yet and can’t stop thinking about her. All the pain came back on me also. She is very good at the intermittent reinforcement and I feel so traumatized by it with real dark things going on in my head. I know she is probably severely broke now because I can hear it in her voice. Im a musician so I can read her by the tone of her voice but her eyes captivate me so I can’t read them. I want to text her back so bad and tell her if she wants some money then she is gonna have to give me some P***y lol. No P***y no money so come on over shut up and lets not make this any more complicated than it has to be. Is that messed up or what. Thats a can of worms for sure. I can’t get this out of my head and I feel so damaged now. I just took a bunch of clonidine today and went back to bed. I can’t let her back into my life until I heal if ever. Probably should be never at this point. If I caught her at the right time we could be partners like the ones we are not suppose to have here if you know what I mean. I just want to scream at her and say you f**king did this to me are you happy!