I wonder when I stopped caring about myself. When I started thinking that I’m useless. Beyond repair. Helpless. Someone that no one could ever genuinely enjoy spending time with. I’ve never belonged anywhere. I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged anywhere. I’ve never had any real dreams. I’ve never really wanted to accomplish anything. The very few people that I ever care about always end up leaving me. And I’m not sure if it even hurts. My heart hurts, but I feel indifferent. I feel completely detached from myself. Like the things I feel are feelings from another person. I want to cry, but I can’t. I want to be able to feel what I’m feeling deep inside, but I can’t. I want to let it out, but I can’t. If someone asks me how I feel, I don’t know how to respond. It seems like a simple question. “How are you?” It always makes me uncomfortable. Does anyone ever respond honestly to that type of question? Usually you just say “Fine”, or “Good”, no matter how you feel. It’s just the norm. If you say anything else, you’re off the normal script and the responses you get are usually rather confused or worried. I like to say “I don’t know”, because usually, that’s true. Right now I’m not sure if I feel anything. It feels weird. I should feel sad, or angry. Anything, really. But I don’t feel anything at all. Not any emotions anyway. I should feel ashamed of myself. I should feel lonely. I should be angry at myself. Sad. But I’m not any of those things. Maybe I’m restless? I shouldn’t be. I’ve been feeling extremely tired all day, and now. Nothing. I don’t even feel tired. Or hungry. I don’t understand this. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t think I’m confused. Or curious. I really don’t feel anything right now. I don’t understand.
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The numbness is normal, especially after a breakup. Sometimes, we reach a point where we’re in so much emotional pain, our brains do the mental equivalent of going into shock so that we don’t feel anything.
I hope that made sense to some degree.
I mean. When I’m either living through my memories, or some kind of fake fantasy most of the time… and then for a few short moments. Maybe one hour a day. Or less than that. I realize what type of situation I’m actually in. And when I do, I don’t even feel anything. So the only time I ever feel anything is when I indulge myself in a false place that doesn’t exist. Inside my memories. Or in some kind of fantasy world where I had never broken up with my girlfriend in the first place. It feels like I’m not even sure who is me. Am I the person in my nightmares that’s constantly being hunted by something that no one else can see? Am I the person in my memories that can never stop complaining about anything? Am I the person in my fantasies, who is absolutely perfect? Or am I the person that desperately, desperately wants to find any type of way out from all the pain he feels? I don’t feel like any of them are me. They are just characters. Suits, that I put on. I feel like I don’t exist at all. A lot of the time, when I’m alone, I look around me and I think, “is this a dream, or is this actually what my life is like?”, and most importantly, the most important thing, the thing that I spend all of my time obsessing over: “I need someone else to validate my existence.” So I’m not real? It seems like I’m not real.
How is anything supposed to make sense, when those type of things make sense to me? I’m not real? What? Why do I need someone else to validate my own existence? Why do I think that I’m dreaming when I’m fully awake? It’s just in my head. It’s all in my head.
It really, really sounds like you have something along the lines of DPDR. Either that, or you’re in the same state I was in when my boyfriend broke up with me: it didn’t feel real. I woke up confused. It felt like a dream, I was in denial.
Both are equally plausible.
I also get really uncomfortable with that question. I usually just say “ok”, but it hurts every time I lie.
My friends are pretty good friends, and they’re always like: “You can tell us if you’re having a bad day!” But what if I’m having a bad day every day? They’d get pretty tired of me if I complained every time I feel shit. Sorry for the rant
Yeah Im getting to the point of being numb due to the amount of pain my heart has been exposed to. I have answered honestly at times about how I feel and it never goes over so well. So I just lie like everybody else.