Its sad how i was proud of myself for getting out of bed, making it and not getting back in until i was going to sleep. That isn’t an achievement. I should be doing better than that.
i put on some weight last year, i was eating less than usual but i guess drinking everyday was enough for me to gain weight. I hate my body more than i ever have but with struggling to get out of bed in the morning i don’t know how I’m ever going to get the body i want. i also hate how tall i am, i know it isn’t something I’m able to change so i shouldn’t dwell on it but i hate it so fucking much.
It’s so hard for me to get motivated and then stay motivated. i don’t know how to achieve the things i want. i want my old body, i want to have friends again, i want to drive, i want a job, i want to be okay but i just can’t.
i haven’t cut for a few months, sometimes i want to but i can distract myself. I’m finding it really hard to distract myself these past few days, i want to do it so badly. i think the only reason i haven’t is because I’m going to the beach this weekend and i don’t want my family or my dads new girlfriend to see.
I don’t smoke as much as i used to, i only do it on the rare occasion i go to a party or to a club. i want to pick it up again so bad but cigarettes are expensive here and i know they’re so bad for you : (
its times like these i wish i was living alone again so i could just drink away my sadness
1 comment
Progress is progress. As long as you’re moving in the right direction, however slow it may feel, you should feel good about it. For someone struggling with depression, establishing routine is an achievement.