Alone at last

Hubby leaves today for the next 9 days, I still have my daughter but she has school so there’s some quiet time for me to do whatever (while working at home anyways). Hubby keeps asking if I’ll be okay for a week while he is gone. I have considered ending it while he is away, especially considering I have to return to the office afterwards, but I know I won’t, primarily because I don’t want to traumatize my daughter like that, even if she isn’t the one that would find me, I’m sure it would give her a fear of leaving anyone alone. I just look forward to the quiet, a moment where I have no one to judge my actions, cry for no reason? Sing loudly (and badly) to some disturbing song? Want a glass of whiskey at 9 a.m. anyone? No more hiding in plain sight, just flat out in the open for a week.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve run out of shit to say, which I’m sure everyone does, but it’s like nothing is interesting or worth discussing, or I just don’t know how to respond. I’ve been in that funk for a while but I’m sure it will pass, it is up and down like everything but is more on the down lately. The odd part is that despite this I’m still roiling in emotions, every kind of emotion all at once, it feels like I might explode: fear, happiness, sadness, worry, love, derision. You would think with all that going on inside that something would be able to be verbally communicated, but no, it’s like the emotions take all of my attention. Just trying to keep that chaos contained.

Also, I haven’t heard from my friend in a few days, and I asked her other friend and they haven’t heard from her either. Yeah, the conversations were falling a little flat but that’s just mood sometimes, she usually responds though, so that is part of the worry, considering I know she is suicidal as well. Frankly, I just miss seeing her name pop up on my phone, knowing that whatever is being said will either make me smile, think, or something, just to interrupt my own thoughts. It will be extra lonely if I don’t hear from her.