It’s been a while since I shared a song. I’ve been thinking about this one for the past week.
It’s really typical to say, but I really connect to this one.
I’ve been back home since Friday. I don’t like it here. I miss being by myself. Being alone. Being alone is safe. It’s lonely and I feel lonely, but being alone no one can touch you. Being around my parents and my brother is hard. When I’m alone I feel safe. I stay in my room a lot. I don’t like being in such a big space like the living room or kitchen. My apartment was my room, a kitchen, and a tiny little living room all connected by a tiny hallway. My bathroom was no bigger than a small closet with a tub. I don’t like being in such a big place. The room I’m in now is one of the smallest rooms in the house and it’s as big as half of my apartment.
I tried messaging her for the first time in a month. I wanted to leave her alone. I also wanted to stop because hearing nothing back was always so disappointing. Of course I heard nothing back. I’m not going to hear anything back for a long time. Maybe ever. I keep telling myself over and over again in my head she’s gone. In a little more than a week it will be five months. Then it will be half a year. How long before it just sticks in my head that she just doesn’t want anything to do with me. I think what hurts the most is that she was the only person in the world I was comfortable talking about any of this. I know she shouldn’t have to deal with that, seeing as her troubles are much worse than mine. It was just nice to have someone care.
I start my job on Tuesday. I don’t even know what I’ll be doing. I hope I just don’t screw it up. I also hope they don’t make me cut my long hair. I hated doing it for my last job, and I don’t feel like doing it for this job. My look is probably the one thing I have control of and having it taken away from me will probably just make me sadder.
I can already tell this summer will be hell. But I think that’s just typical for me. My thoughts of suicide aren’t going away. On the drive back home I thought about ramming myself into oncoming semi trucks at least 8 times. I think about dying a lot recently. It’s just another one of those periods.