It’s been a while since I shared a song. I’ve been thinking about this one for the past week.
It’s really typical to say, but I really connect to this one.
I’ve been back home since Friday. I don’t like it here. I miss being by myself. Being alone. Being alone is safe. It’s lonely and I feel lonely, but being alone no one can touch you. Being around my parents and my brother is hard. When I’m alone I feel safe. I stay in my room a lot. I don’t like being in such a big space like the living room or kitchen. My apartment was my room, a kitchen, and a tiny little living room all connected by a tiny hallway. My bathroom was no bigger than a small closet with a tub. I don’t like being in such a big place. The room I’m in now is one of the smallest rooms in the house and it’s as big as half of my apartment.
I tried messaging her for the first time in a month. I wanted to leave her alone. I also wanted to stop because hearing nothing back was always so disappointing. Of course I heard nothing back. I’m not going to hear anything back for a long time. Maybe ever. I keep telling myself over and over again in my head she’s gone. In a little more than a week it will be five months. Then it will be half a year. How long before it just sticks in my head that she just doesn’t want anything to do with me. I think what hurts the most is that she was the only person in the world I was comfortable talking about any of this. I know she shouldn’t have to deal with that, seeing as her troubles are much worse than mine. It was just nice to have someone care.
I start my job on Tuesday. I don’t even know what I’ll be doing. I hope I just don’t screw it up. I also hope they don’t make me cut my long hair. I hated doing it for my last job, and I don’t feel like doing it for this job. My look is probably the one thing I have control of and having it taken away from me will probably just make me sadder.
I can already tell this summer will be hell. But I think that’s just typical for me. My thoughts of suicide aren’t going away. On the drive back home I thought about ramming myself into oncoming semi trucks at least 8 times. I think about dying a lot recently. It’s just another one of those periods.
1 comment
It’s a nice song. I hope you won’t have to cut your hair. Fingers crossed lol. I’m sorry about her. It’s tougher to lose people through change than anything else. You always blame yourself. But it’ll be alright. There’ll be more people that’ll come into your life. And more after them.