It’s been maybe one year and 6 months since the last time I functioned normally. I cut myself on the wrist for the first time yesterday, I enjoyed it very much. I wanted to watch the blood flow but my dad saw that I was bleeding and got mad at me. I’m not allowed to use a razor anymore. It makes me angry. Cutting myself isn’t something I do because I want to die, it’s something I do to stop myself from dying. Sure, I cut a really shallow wound right on top of a bunch of blood vessels that are right below my skin. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to kill myself.
I talked to my mother and I told her the only thing I really want, which is to be in an inpatient facility, I’m doing terrible. My mother says that inpatient facilities are “an extreme measure”, and that she won’t allow me to go to one. Sure, it’s not like I’m going to kill myself if I don’t. I can’t kill myself now, I know that. The soonest I can do it is in 18 years. I don’t know if I will still want to do it when I’m 35 years old. I can’t predict the future.
I refuse to open up to my parents. I hate my parents. They are the reason I’m so fucked up right now. Whenever I cry, I’m being annoying, too loud, too sensitive. Whenever I’m angry, I’m being disrespectful, ungrateful. Whenever I’m anything that’s not happy, or satisfied, or grateful, I am a problem. I’m not allowed to express anything that isn’t happiness. But I can’t hide the way I feel anymore. It’s been weighing down on me for so long. I will never admit it to my parents. Sure, they can watch me suffer as much as they want to, tell me they care about me, that they only want to help. I’m not even allowed to express my anger with them. I’m not allowed to express myself around them, so why would I want to? My father asked me how I felt this morning. Why I was angry, because it looked like I was angry. I can’t look him in the eyes and tell him “I hate you, I wish you would die in a car accident.” How would that make anything better? It would only make it worse for me.
My life is already shit, and I don’t know how to cope with it. The only thing I can do is be honest with people (nearly impossible) and take “stupid idiot medicine for stupid idiot people”, I don’t want to take my medicine. I don’t want to take my medicine. I don’t want to take my medicine. I DONT want to take MY medicine. I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to feel good. I want to feel bad. But how would anyone who is “normal” understand that? My parents tell me I need to speak to normal people, happy people, about normal things. Because “that will make me feel better”. They are SO OBSESSED with making me “feel better”. I don’t want it I don’t want it, not for them. Not for them. For myself maybe, but not for my parents. I don’t want to make my parents happy at my expense. I hate them. They made me get born into this world. I want to make sure that my younger brothers live a better life than me, but after that I’m done. Sure, it’s selfish, but I don’t want to traumatize everyone that knows me by killing myself. Because how could they understand? They don’t know anything about the way I feel. They know nothing. But I can’t even hide it anymore. I want to stay awake for as long as possible and eat as little as possible for as long as I can, because that is the exact opposite of what my parents want. I don’t want to shower, because that’s what my parents want. I don’t want to feel better, because that’s what my parents want. But I do want to do all of those things for myself, and for my younger brothers. How can I be a role model if I ruin my life just to watch my parents cry about it?
Why do I want to ruin my life just to watch my parents cry about it? Why am I so spiteful? Why do I want to make the people who put me in this world and raised me to feel sad, feel mad, and not feel alright? Why am I willing to destroy my own life just to make someone else feel bad? Am I really that petty?
The more I think about it, the more it seems like I’m a narcissist. Everything just fits perfectly. I have an inferiority complex, I was neglected and physically and emotionally abused when I was a child, I’m willing to ruin my own life just to make an authoritative figure feel disappointed in me, I lie constantly, according to my mother I’m bullying her. I performed extremely well until I hit a point where I couldn’t do the same thing I had always done, and because I couldn’t adapt I slowly became more and more isolated and depressed. It makes so much sense. The only part that doesn’t fit is that I have never taken advantage of anyone or tried to use anyone for my own benefit because I hate it when someone does that to me. But I have learned how to manipulate others really really well, I learned from an expert. My mother. My mother, who opens up to me about her feelings once every three years, that I have only seem cry one time in my entire life. I don’t know why my parents never cry. I have never seen my father cry, and I have only seen my mother cry once. They tell me that they are human and that they feel emotions, that they care about me. Not that I care. I would have cared ten years ago. Earlier than that too. But now, I really fucking don’t give a shit about my parents feelings. As long as they are positive anyway. I want them to hate living. But I don’t know how I can make that happen. Isn’t that a pretty terrible thing to wish on two people who are just trying their best to help you? I don’t know man. I never learned how to open up to others, it’s hard for me to do. I definitely won’t open up to my parents though… fuck them.