that’s what i’m thinking. almost every day. that i won’t make it. the closest to the opposite of that that i sometimes repeat to myself is “i can do it”. those aren’t mutually exclusive.
being happy isn’t hard for me. neither is being calm. but i find it impossible to enjoy anything.
i just keep trying to distance myself from the world, from all the nonsense, but i am just left feeling numb.
i’ve been wondering what could be wrong with me. after i learned to be happy, i noticed that i still lacked confidence. but this – i have no clue what this is. i don’t know what it means. do i really care about the world?
today, at the airport that’s being built at the city where i live, an air raid siren test took place. it was muffled. i used to fantasize, daydream, about this sound some time ago, many times. but now, i just ask myself: what is this supposed to be? do we seriously need this crap? does this mean anything at all?
i would keep telling myself that i shouldn’t be worrying about the world, about other people. that people build those cultures on their own. they make choices. at every point, when they are given an opportunity to act reasonable, they don’t. those aren’t my choices to make. and yet, i find it for some weird reason hard to separate myself from the world. do i fear the world? or do i consider it to be something valuable that i don’t want to lose? i would much prefer to live in a postapocalyptic world, than this.