It’s Clicked

I think it finally happened. I think that part of my brain has finally clicked. So today was my last day of the semester. The presentation happened and nobody said anything about it. Summer has started. But my anxiety is still here. My depression comes in waves usually. Once all the difficult stuff is done with (finals, work, stuff with my parents), I find some sort of relief in it being over. When those times come I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. I’m able to smile when I think of something funny and I’m able to dream when I think of my future. I have these little delusions about being something in the future. That’s all they are. Delusions. But they are nice to have. To feel happy in that moment of dreaming about something nice. To dream about being a useful engineer and making great things. But now I think it’s clicked in my head. That inflection point where everything seems hopeless, no matter how peaceful that point in time is. Right now I should be happy about my break, but I’m not. I’m just thinking about how I’m a failure for not having an internship. How I’m a failure for not doing anything worth being proud of in my four years of college. How graduate school is such a laughable idea. How I’ll just end up screwing up my senior project. How I’ll end up screwing up my summer job I’m going to have. How I’m nothing. All day today I spent with my dad to get things done for moving out of my apartment and I felt ashamed every time we talked about something. Like the job I’m going to start next week. About all the internships I’ve applied for. How I’m supposed to graduate next year. How I’m thinking about graduate school. Everything seems so laughably pointless. Because I’m pointless. I’m nothing. I feel this heavy pain in my heart and I genuinely feel like it’s here to stay. I stopped taking medication a long time ago because I was tired of trying to be better. I was tired of trying to pretend that things would be better with it. I think there was always a tiny part of hope that says, I can be better, one day I’ll really prove myself and be better, I’m capable of being like everyone else. But now it’s gone. It’s clicked in my head.