Stuffed Up

My head is all stuffed up. I’ve been here more than I’d like to. But no matter how much I write my thoughts down, my head is still all stuffed up. Today was my first day of work. I felt worthless as usual. I walked around following some guy I was supposed to be shadowing not knowing what to do. Everyone I passed by was looking at me. I didn’t like it. Already on my first day I felt like I was going to screw it up. There’s a thing on my shoulder that whispers in my ear and makes me afraid and paranoid. I feel like nothing I do will ever be good. It makes me sick to my stomach. I have the rest of summer to do this. I haven’t been medicated in so long. I didn’t want to be medicated. Now I’m scared and desperate and if this is the thing that would make me close to normal, I feel like taking it. I hate being medicated because I hate the idea that this thing is supposed to fix me. I know that’s not how it works, but the way people around me act, it’s supposed to. That made me so bitter and resentful of the idea on being on medication. Now the second things start getting tough I feel like I need it. Like I have to be medicated because it will make me safe. Why am I so afraid of everything? Why is everything so terrifying? I can’t think straight. In my head I’m trying to find some way out. Some way to dodge growing up. But I can’t. I need to get better. I need to stare it down, but I can’t. I’m too afraid. When will my mind snap into place? When am I supposed to be normal? I hate this. I hate everything. I’m a failure because I was handed this job and now I’m going to be even more of a failure because I will screw it up. I’m just no good. I think of suicide all the time because it’s the final way to run away. To run away from all my problems. To run away from growing up. I’ve spent my whole life running away. I already ruined myself and there is just no going back. That’s why that part of my mind begs me to finally just take that one final leap. I think I’m done for now. My head is still stuffed up. In a few months time I don’t know how I will feel about today. In one years time I’m still unsure. The world is so big and scary.