Eight days out from my next therapy appointment, and I’m working my homework. The challenge; why do i do what I do, what IS the point?
This is a good therapist, she ripped through my defenses that I like to imagine myself at war with these giant forces, ones that I likely can’t move. I’ve thrown myself really hard into that over the last few years as I slowly but surely felt greater and greater doubt about whether there is a place for me in my current career field. Not as such. I have already decided I want to move elsewhere. I have already decided that outside of this experience, I don’t want to go on in the “helping” profession. Certain essential parts of it argue with who I thought I was.
So, terrifying as it is, I’m thinking about leaving behind almost everything I’ve worked on for the past 15 years. I like being able to afford my lifestyle. I like sleeping soundly and not having to worry about work. I like not being complicit in a system that I find to be inherently corrupt. Still trying to work out what those values mean for me, and my future, but I don’t have to do what I’m doing, and there certainly isn’t much financial incentive to try.