so i met up with this caseworker for a 2nd time now n scheduled a 3rd meeting. Still answered questions n signed papers cuz i have to do these 3 meetings before i actually get an appt to see a therapist n psychiatrist. They sent out record requests to the hospitals i was in but since alot of my hospital stays were 20yrs ago, the records at rogers were no longer available. Fingers crossed they get the 1s from winnebago so they can atleast get alil insight and find out what my last diagnosis was.
But yea it was nice talkin to her for 2hrs again even tho shes not a therapist. It feels good not to be judged. Cuz whenever i vented to my friends they acted like i was attacking them with my “petty issues” or was “complaining”. So another reason why i need a professional to talk to because friends just made my condition worse, made me question myself in a negative way and made me feel more alone. Its like people forget what the purpose of venting is. Its shit i need to say outloud so i can get it out of my head, its not a problem i demanded for u to solve jeez!
Told her how suicide is always on my mind, so that would never go away. I just want to be free ya know. Ive experienced years of traumatic events that plague me every day and it depresses me to the point where i cant function physically cuz i get lost in my thoughts. Having to battle your mind for decades is exhausting. And when i say im tired all the time, its the tired that sleep cant cure. 1 day id like to experience what itd be like to not feel that way. I feel like im constantly drowning and stuck between that life/death phase. Like come on, are we gonna get to shore or are we goin under, choose 1 cuz my arms are gettin tired of tryin to keep me afloat. Just that heavy dull pain in my chest all the time.
Fingers crossed these docs can give me an idea of what they think is wrong with me because ive had so many diff diagnoses ever since i was 7. And get me on some meds that can atleast eleviate alot of the stress and pressure and sadness im feeling.