My 7yrold just said today that he wanted to shoot himself and he said but it would hurt but that he still wants to die. I struggle to be alive as well but it hurts when it’s my child saying he doesn’t want to live. I didn’t know how to respond and changed the subject and I feel so bad about not knowing how to handle something like that. I’m def bringing it up to my therapist. But in my head that put a deadline for my own life. Like if I don’t die, 1 day I’m gonna find my son or I’m gonna get that phone call n I don’t think I could handle losing another person I love.
Idk how to flip my pic but whatever. Just feelin myself now that im working again. 3rd shift is rough but im good at it once im back into the swing of things. My therapist keeps trippin out about my already existing sleeping problem. Im like i barely sleep at nite anyways, i always take a nap durin the day anyways. So i had them stop my sleepin pills. Red bulls and naps are my life lol any1 else have insomnia struggles or cant stay asleep long?
Things are lookin up for me n gettin better. I hope im not jinxing myself by sayin that. But they are gettin better n i hope it continues. 
What depresses me most is how 20yrs of friendship can easily be dismissed. How can 1 continue to work and not acknowledge you and treat you like a stranger? The fact that i never did anything wrong to anyone but my friends move on in their lives and pretend to not know me anymore. I already question my self worth, why keep on kickin me when im down. I never burned any bridges. How is it my fault my life is full of drama? I didnt cause the drama it just happened but now its over. Ill never understand how easy it is to walk away from someone. Must be nice to not care.
So Gary doesnt want me. He more than likely sees me as a freeloader since i said i was tryin to get on disability. No mf, because ive had 5 diff jobs in 1 yr thanks to my paranoia!!!! Im gettin older and my mental illness gets crazy at times n i cant afford to lose more jobs n be discriminated against so ssi is there for a safety net reason!!! Not so i can sit at home forever. Fml im so tired of men and their assumptions of me, treatin me like sh*t, makin me begged to be loved because apparently im unloveable cuz who would want a fat crazy b**** like me?! I have nothin to offer, no1 wants me other than a quick screw, im basically trash. My purpose is short lived n i get thrown away, recycled and used again for all eternity. I hate me, i hate what i am, i hate how i look and its men like you Gary who make me question my self worth n who made me believe that u might actually like me. Shame on me for assuming u did, i should of known better. Men are the reason women are crazy, bitter n have trust issues. I never had this when i dated women. Why? Cuz the communication was open and real no matter how much it hurt. Wanna use me? Fine then use me for 1 nite. But stop makin me put my guard down if you dont intend to actually be with me. Its that simple idk why men make it so hard when its not.
I came out of the closet about my schizoaffective disorder to a few people. 2 guys im interested, 1 hasnt said anything n i think i scared him. The other is accepting of it. Told my sons step mom in case my sons therapist asked about family history. Im not in denial. I know i will make or break a situationship. But i shouldnt be punished for somethin i cant physically control. I am on the shots, im seein a therapist and a case manager and prescriber. So i am gettin help to get better. But the ignorant people will believe what they want. This is who i am, take me or stay away, thats all im sayin
1 of my top 5 fav albums to drive to when my thoughts get wild. Theyre so loud in this 1 that it keeps my voices at bay. Plus every song has a great beat.
I cant wait til fall and the cold weather. I want all these spiders n flies to fkn die! I also miss wearin hoodies. Plus i smell better when its cold. I smell n look like im melting. Summer is not my forte. If i want heat ill soak in hot water.
We needed some more 90s music up in here.
When guys try to road rage me or wanna race, this is what i feel like yelling lol
Filled up 1 journal worth of venting&thoughts. Got a new journal, this time its a mini one so im sure itll fill up quick. My therapist had me read 1 of my enteries. She liked my writing and how well it flowed almost like a story. But each entry i do looks like it was written by a diff person. Some are just so out there n aggressive or tedious. But i was pleased to hear she liked it.
She gave me booklets to work on that surround my feelings and relationships. Since i always fall for toxic men, im trying to get away from that and work on why i feel thats the best i can do. I dont have low self esteem, i know i just accept these dbags because im bored and well sex is sex. But i dont feed into their lies n i do what i want. Which irritates them. My ex used to try to beat that out of me for 5yrs. I still never complied. So he moved on to women who would give their all to him. Eh, i like my freedom. Granted i still want intimacy from time to time so im keepin an old fwb. Considering he never sees me as relationship material n doesnt care how i look, which makes the nsa part so much easier. Hes a good looking man with a great career, and im the homely lookin frumpy single mom he bangs. Isnt that kinda cliche?
In case you need a laugh and like weird cartoons like me. Lol enjoy 🙂
Next time a guy does that to me, im legit sending out a postcard that simply says “sup?” Lol does not take u 96hrs to respond to my paragraph with an “ok”.
war-chester-shire sauce is how i will always say it
I miss those days. Wish i could re do it all to see if she would grow up to be someone diff than what she is now.
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