Everytime i hear this song it shows me of my simple innocent days before i turned into the train wreck that i am today. anytime this plays on the radio while i drive, i smirk at it. Its just an overall feel good song for me, really makes that seritonin kick in. Whats your happy song?
Her tears are empty
Very existance meaningless
People have broken her
Nothing but a shell filled with darkness
Thoughts jaded
Hatred so deep it makes toxic fumes
Alienating everyone around her
Makes them question how life really is
Humans killing the human spirit
Makes death seem like a dream come true
We no longer desire to thrive
Diving into the abyss head first
Embrace the hate
There is no good
Where’s the god ive heard of
He aint in this hood
What if satan ruled the world?
There is no what if, because satan, he is you.
(Disclaimer: sorry if it doesnt make sense or is horrible. My therapist wanted me to write a poem and i hadnt written 1 since like 2003 lol)
Things seem to be starting to go good for me. But im worried about bein happy n optimistic because feelin that way jinxes me and 2 bad things follow thru and set me back like 4 steps.
Seriously wonder what i did in a former life that made me live this cursed 1. Im honestly lookin forward to not bein homeless anymore but this move into this apartment is takin too long. Already been waiting 1 month n 3 wks. Living off fast food and gas station convenient foods/microwave meals has caused me to gain alot of weight cuz of high sodium/carb count. But its cheap so i get what i can to feed me n my kids. Once i move in im goin on a fruit and veggie binge. Fresh corn and tomatos are in season and i cannot wait! Always luv hittin up farmers stands and make my beloved vegetarian meals. Plus bein able to make my own coffee again will be nice. Non of these coffee shops know how to make coffee right. Nothin worse than a $5 cup of watered down or burnt sh*t :-p
My 1st appointment with my therapist went really well this past week. She thinks my life is interesting because of how traumatic and stressful it is. And again im called a “strong woman”. I really hate when people tell me that. Like there was even a choice not to be? Im the type of person who wants to die but i wanna come back just to prove i can do it and be like see look what u made me do. I guess youd call that narcassistic maybe?! Idk but yea a normal/sane person cant survive the horrible hell ive endured for over 3 decades. Mama didnt raise no quitter, but ill whine about it and hurt myself to cope. It is what it is.
My daughter keeps sayin how gross it looks but it looks way better than it did last week. My 6yrold believed me when i told him i got bit by a zombie. I personally think that was a better excuse than the truth which is “mommy lost her sh*t, bought some chemicals and sat watching ER reruns as i sprayed my arm for 30mins” lol
I started journal writing. Had to give the crisis hotline a break with my petty bs. Got a nice leather green celtic mini journal with gold edge pages and its already filling up with my chaos. Since i have no1 in my life i wont have to worry about any1 findin it n usin it against me. :-p
Well i ended up doing a really big and bad burn on my arm and actually got medical attention for the 1st time. Was sent to a hosp 40mins away to their burn unit. They cleaned up the wound and put some silver medicated pad over it with some neon green wrappings and a sleeve to go over. Cant get it wet and have to leave it alone for 1 week til my next appointment.
They wanted to inpatient me but i rejected it even though i told them my whole life story. They were scared by how calm i am and theyre like “do you think hurting yourself like this is normal?” Im like its the only control i have in my life right now. My life is falling apart and hurting myself to this degree keeps me grounded mentally. Hence the reason im so non chalant n content, because if i didnt do it id be a hot mess and wild eyed.
All i could see was the sadness and the Omg you poor woman, looks, in these hospital staffs faces. If only someone could save me from this hell that ive been thrown into but they cant, no ever could. And if i was to be inpatient, id need longer then what they usually give a person. I have way too much baggage and unresolved issues and years of suppressed anger to cram it all into 1 wk of arts&crafts and 15min talks once a day.
Talking to a crisis hotline today did not help me with the issues im facing. Ive had never ending traumatic events happen to me every month ever since last august and every1 has been involved. Human services, cps, behavioral services and now the cops. Im being accused of something i didnt do because my dad is out for revenge ever since i got him arrested for sexually assaulting my son. So hes been determined to ruin my life, hes already taken everything away from me, and made me and my kids homeless. But it wasnt enough for him. Now hes accussing me of ordering a phone in his account, which i didnt do nor did i know anything about it til a detective called me. But again who would believe someone like me whose already at rock bottom. Rich people get away with whatever they want and people like me suffer. If i off myself, i wouldnt have to keep fighting or struggle. Ive battled a non winning battle for over 30yrs and im just so tired. I never had the chance to be weak, i was always told i had to be strong, but look at me, look where i ended up even though i kept fighting n kept moving. It did nuthin but bring me closer to the abyss. Idk what to do anymore. I have no one but my kids. I cant keep doing this alone. I need help. I need someone to stick up for me against these bullies. Ive never felt so alone then i do now.
so i met up with this caseworker for a 2nd time now n scheduled a 3rd meeting. Still answered questions n signed papers cuz i have to do these 3 meetings before i actually get an appt to see a therapist n psychiatrist. They sent out record requests to the hospitals i was in but since alot of my hospital stays were 20yrs ago, the records at rogers were no longer available. Fingers crossed they get the 1s from winnebago so they can atleast get alil insight and find out what my last diagnosis was.
But yea it was nice talkin to her for 2hrs again even tho shes not a therapist. It feels good not to be judged. Cuz whenever i vented to my friends they acted like i was attacking them with my “petty issues” or was “complaining”. So another reason why i need a professional to talk to because friends just made my condition worse, made me question myself in a negative way and made me feel more alone. Its like people forget what the purpose of venting is. Its shit i need to say outloud so i can get it out of my head, its not a problem i demanded for u to solve jeez!
Told her how suicide is always on my mind, so that would never go away. I just want to be free ya know. Ive experienced years of traumatic events that plague me every day and it depresses me to the point where i cant function physically cuz i get lost in my thoughts. Having to battle your mind for decades is exhausting. And when i say im tired all the time, its the tired that sleep cant cure. 1 day id like to experience what itd be like to not feel that way. I feel like im constantly drowning and stuck between that life/death phase. Like come on, are we gonna get to shore or are we goin under, choose 1 cuz my arms are gettin tired of tryin to keep me afloat. Just that heavy dull pain in my chest all the time.
Fingers crossed these docs can give me an idea of what they think is wrong with me because ive had so many diff diagnoses ever since i was 7. And get me on some meds that can atleast eleviate alot of the stress and pressure and sadness im feeling.
Some days are harder than most. And on my hard days, that tough love bs of the “the world doesnt revolve around u Ellen, life keeps going and u need to keep moving on” is def not what some1 like me needs. In fact that makes me angry an want to burn my bridge with u.
Just got back from behavioral services because human services referred me to see someone. I havent seen a therapist/psychiatrist since i was court ordered after bein in winnebago mental health institute for 1yr back when i was 18/19yrsold. Not gonna lie, itll be nice to have someone help me with my paranoia. She went through all her questions and i relieved alot of my past suicide attempts, my self injuries, my hospital stays. The tragedies that made me who i am today. She also assured me the docs there are super great and dont just dismiss people as if theyre incurable. So im actually optimistic about this. Even tho i was going to attempt again if 1 more bad thing happened to me. I seriously cant take any more bad news. I want good things to happen to me dammit. Maybe bein on the right meds will also help me stop alienating people and help me keep jobs n friends. This lonely life has left me lost in my thoughts but talkin to that woman for 1 1/2hrs really made me feel better and helped me forget about all the horrible things i want to do to myself. Its also helping that ive cut ties with all the people who only do weekly checks on me to see if im still alive. A simple “my life is not your problem nor does it affect u in any way, so quit acting like u give a s***” and just left it at that.
When i was hospitalized over 20yrs ago fiona apple seemed to be my go to music to listen to.
My relationship didnt work out cuz i completely shut down and went ghost. I cant handle havin anyone like me back, but my dumbass will be like months from now “why dont men like me?” Because thats just the demented vicious cycle i seem to be trapped in no matter how much i try to break it. But whatever.
Me and my kids spent mothers day at milwaukee zoo. Was a great day, i luv animals so much and always wanted to work in a zoo or be a marine biologist. Being busy made me feel like our life was “normal” again. Reality didnt set in til the drive back. Like oh yea, we’re livin in a hotel. My caseworker said she found us a place but i havent heard back from her about it.
My fathers court case is still opened. All they do is meet up and say lets reschedule and also the investigation is incomplete. Just dont understand why the law needs to drag out cases like this especially when he already admitted to the crime. But whatever.
All these jobs are hiring and i get interviewed and they still dont want me. So like am i too fat? Is it my resting ***** face? Is it the fact i worked for the state in 2 diff departments and employers feel intimidated? Why wont u hire me???!!! But oh no i get the infamous email “we went with a better qualified candidate” like how is there any1 better than me? I have 15yrs experience, is that seriously not enough? Im insulted and depressed and so help me if a highschooler got that job. Single parents need jobs not kids with no to barely any experience. Your rejection of me is the reason why me and my kids are struggling but by all means, keep rejecting me cuz apparently my resume doesnt mean jack.
Im just in a fk everything and everyone type of mood today. Like i wanna be optimistic but people punch my optimisim in the face and im like Wtf Bruh, but why?????
I seem to be on a never ending alienate spree towards my friends. I keep reminding myself to stop unloading my emotional drama baggage in their inboxes but i cant seem to stop myself. Almost like 1 of those social vampires and then like a dumbass i wonder why no1 will talk to me. Like dammit just stop it, stop what you are doing, you are killing them (not literally). But a part of me is on autopilot and is like well since we are at rock bottom lets just keep going til we see hell. I just feel so sorry for any1 who tries to be my friend because its like u have no idea what kind of mind torture is comin your way. I have to stay away from people for their own sanity’s sake. I just cant handle being close to anyone, my heart and mind just rejects any kind of friendship or relationship. Told 1 of my friends i was takin a long break for their sake cuz they dont deserve my depressed whining or my intense dramatic situations or basically anything/everything i feel like sharing with them. Im such a horrible friend. And i just wish they knew i dont mean to be like this, amd i dont understand why i do what i do cuz ive always been this way. I honestly might need to get back on meds to get myself to that even level instead of these intense highs n lows that make people run away from me.
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