elleInWi

Whenever i attempt a relationship, i sabotage myself n assume he can do better and get someone skinnier and prettier than me. So now hes pissed off and is going to bed because i kept tryin to push him away. For some reason i feel like people are “settling” when they try to choose me. Because numerous exs in the past always saw me as a rest stop on their way to somethin better. And my inner self doesnt want to be treated like that ever again. Kinda why ive been single since 2011. I feel like being alone is better for me because it keeps me sane, theres no competition, and i dont have to worry about bein cheated on. But i also hate bein alone because id like someone to come “home” to. Wtf is wrong with me? Why am i so complicated? Damaged? Why do i keep making men mad at me?

Still homeless with my kids goin on 4months now. But an ex of mine offered us a place to live. So im going to take him up on that offer considering i cant afford anything on my own and he has a great payin job. My depression comes n goes. I havent burned myself since feb nor considered offing myself so id say thats progress. Idk what else to say other than im alive and persevering.

And again some guy always has to ruin my way of venting and freedom of speech. Constantly bein shunned by men my whole fkn life and its like who tf asked u? I never said they could talk to me. They never think that sometimes women dont need that “tough love” bs in their life. But thanks again for thinkin i needed your 2 cents. Im done venting on here, not even gonna bother comin back. Just keep my life to myself and continue being bitter towards every1. Yall basically stab me in the back n ask why im bleeding anyways. So yea this site hasnt been helpful n tired of justifying myself and havin to explain my actions and people assuming im lazy n shit. Adios bitchachos

Wish everytime i took a step forward, i didnt get knocked back 3. Life has been kicking my a** for over 3 decades and i just cant seem to get it to back off and let me be happy or just let good things happen.

Even the shelter “therapist” told me today that normal people do have bad things happen to them but that I seem to get hit alot more than most normal people and that she feels bad for me. So even my downfall baffles people n stresses em out cuz they know theres no loop hole for me to escape these intense hits the universe attacks me with.

1 can only hope that when i do die, the least that ahole in the sky can do is let me rest in peace. My life is 1 emotionally exhausting trainwreck that hits me in every way possible, esp in the wallet. So help me if god created me just to see how much trauma n stress 1 person can actually handle. Or i was the scape goat for other peoples sins.

Idk. But fingers crossed someone sends somethin good my way so some of this weight on my shoulders can be lifted. Atleast for my kids sake. Cuz they really dont deserve to suffer along side me and they dont need to see their mom struggle tooth n nail 24/7.

My insomnia kicked in mid sleep. How the heck does that manage to happen?! My brain must be battling with some procrastination or somethin. Like eh lets wait til she gets up to use the bathroom at 3am and then hit her with the wide awake. Wish i had a hot cup of coffee. 1 thing i hate about living in shelters or cheap hotels, never any fkn coffee!!! Went from a full pot of bold coffee every morning to zero. The small things in life is what i really miss. Like my coffee n vanilla creamer, butter, a toaster and a car lol it took me 4hrs just to go to a doc appt yesterday. Public transport takes fkn forever with all these bus changes n waiting. If i had a car id been gone like 25mins not 4 hours!!!! Get to take my youngest son to the movies tomorrow. I havent seen him in 2wks. I miss havin my lil man be with me all the time. But hes lucky to have a dad n step mom to take care of him while me and my eldest kids deal with homelessness. If my eldest kids dad wasnt a drug addict womanizer who sleeps with women just to get off the streets at night and was a decent human being, id have them be with him too just so they didnt have to struggle with me. But eh who knows maybe 1 of my kids will be an author 1 day and right about our travels, our hardships and what it takes to survive and earn enough money where their kids will never have to experience what they did. Its def a life lesson for em thats for sure.

Change my mind lmao

I dont think ill ever feel rested no matter how much i sleep. The constant need to always keep moving has always haunted me. I dont make myself at home because i never know how long we will be in that place. Our clothes always remain in suit cases or garbage bags or a basket. Because if we have to leave real quick atleast our stuff is in our bags already.

My dad who sexually assaulted my 6yrold son has taken everything from me n my kids. Hes made us homeless. He sold or trashed all of our belongings that were still in the house. He sold my jeep. His actions destroyed my son and he questions his self worth and thinks hes ugly n says he wants ti commit suicide. So hes in therapy. I heard through the grapevine that my father will not serve prison time for 1st deg sexual assault n incest, and that he will prob only get probation which is not the justice my 6yrold son needs. Also found out this morning that i cant make or accept phone calls and he cut me off of the only thing i had left. So now i gotta find a way to get a govt phone. Not having a car or legit address isnt helping me. My credit score is kinda bad and the fact that im jobless makes me not an ideal candidate to rent apartment. Plus rents keep raising higher n if u meed a 650credit score and 3x the rent, i def wont have that. Not to mention since i have to buy a car and rebuy all belongings again like clothes, furniture etc. Its not like id have $ fallin from my butt. My dads crime has cost me so much money, has made me lost my dignity n pride, has broken my family apart and has made me struggle to the point where being alive is painful. I just dont understand why we cant get a break. Why am i being punished for somethin i didnt do!!!???

I ended up telling my guy friend of like 5yrs now, that i love him, last night via txt. Its not uncommon for me to tell him the L word cuz he knows i do and usually he laughs it off or changes the subject. But this time was different. Still didnt get a response. I only felt like it was right to say it. Because the last 2 times we talked on the phone there was awkwardness n some dead air towards the end of our conversation nd it felt like 1 of us was tempted to say the l word before sayin bye. It was just that kind of vibe that i was gettin. So i felt like i should just say it because im a risk taker.

Eh idk maybe im just overthinking it like i always do. But i know for sure i didnt scare him off cuz our conversations have no limits, we have talked about anything n everything. From controverstial topics, to theories, to sex, to random ramblings when our mental illness takes the wheel n steers lol thats the best thing i luv about him. We can say whatever and not feel the need to hold back and we work through things if the topic hits our feels alil too much.

When we 1st met it was during our 7wk training and we hit it off so well that other people thought we were married or atleast already a couple lol thats the kind of person u wanna be with. Where it feels like u known eachother for a long time when u 1st meet. Right?

I am beyond annoyed right now. Ever since we have been here the people who work at this shelter have treated us like we deserve to be punished for bein homeless. I spoke with the director here about my autistic son and his dietary needs n how he was starving here. So he put on our file that its okay if i supply my kids with their own food/drink. Well the 2nd shift women are now angry at this and are holding my kids food n drinks hostage because theyre like he cant have it unless u share it with every1. Like 1. I dont have food stamps and my brother supplied this stuff for my son. 2. You think your opinion matters more than your boss? 3. This is discrimination against a kid with a disability. 4. Wtf is wrong with u?!      So now im gonna go to their boss and report how my son was deprived of his food n drinks at supper time because they wanted me to hand out to every1 and i cant afford that sh**. I am so tired of my kids suffering at the hands of halo inc. Halo needs to be shut down for how they punish homeless people. I reported em to human services and even hs knew about the horrible conditions and staff members. Some1 save us!!