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by J Doe

The weekend is over. Tomorrow is Monday. I notice that ever since taking this job, I have been acutely aware of time. Tomorrow starts five days. In about 9 hours I will wake up. At 8 am, it will be 9 hours then I will go home. It will take 4 hours before I can have my lunch break. Then I have 1 hour to try and keep myself together. Then I have 4 more hours to really start panicking. In 24 hours I will be in my bed again having a small anxiety attack about the next day like I am right now. Once Friday comes I will have a little more than 48 hours that I can spend trying to calm myself down. I have a little more than 3 months where I will repeat this process. I look at the clock a lot when I’m at work. I like breaking down the time into small chunks. An example would be if I have 36 minutes left in the hour, I rationalize it as 6 groups of 6 minutes. When it is 25 minutes left I say 5 groups of 5 minutes. Once 3 hours has passed in a day I think that I have 2 more of those 3 hours increments then I can go home. I can’t help but think that once I get home I have a little more than 14 hours before I repeat the process. I don’t remember doing this with my last job. I looked at the clock to see when I can go home, but I didn’t obsess over time. I think I had small things to look forward to. I remember every Friday I used to head over to this comic book shop to play MTG with a few strangers. It was really nice and I liked those guys. Friday was a very special day for me. Now I have nothing. I come home and lay in my bed counting down the hours before I have to go back in. It’s like going back up for air and then immediately diving back down. I’m trying to think of the exact moment in time where things went wrong. That exact point in time where I was happy and then I wasn’t. That exact point in my life where I started to have depression and anxiety and thoughts of suicide and all this other stuff. My earliest time I can think of where things started going down hill, ironically enough, was when I really thought about death. I was in 5th grade I think. Then I started to be afraid of everything. Slowly my reasons of being afraid and depressed evolved over time, but that point was where I started to unravel.

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Abnormal.Thoughts 5/17/2021 - 7:45 am

T minutes 2 hours remaining.
Very relatable, just hang in there and if you can maybe find another job that marks the time go by faster.

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