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To the last syllable of recorded time

by rywa

It’s interesting the difference between time and recorded time.  Does anything have meaning once people stop recording it?

No one has recorded my life.  I will be forgotten even quicker than I arrived.  If I died right now, no one would even notice.  I’ve always wondered how long it would take someone to find me after I die.

The unexamined life is not worth living.  Certainly that applies to me.  My life is not worth living.  I suppose I do have a therapist that examines my life so to speak, she is at least aware of my existence and my thoughts.  I imagine she would notice if I disappeared, perhaps thinking “I wonder what happened to that guy?”

I left my parents home when I was 16.  I think it was for the best, but I’ve never been sure.  They did make my life worse, but it never ended up getting any better after I left.  Jokes on me I suppose.  I left their home but I never had any of the skills required for humans to thrive.  I was never able to make friends or form social connections. I guess never is wrong, I did have one friend, once.  That was something.

I miss having hope.  I can’t wait for this to be over.

9 comments
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9 comments

LeaveMeAlone. 5/3/2021 - 4:16 pm

Yeah, I have this thought that you only exist inside the memories of people you have interacted with, so if you don’t interact with anyone you probably don’t exist. At least that’s what I think.

rywa 5/3/2021 - 4:55 pm

Exactly. Thanks for making me exist for a moment.

Christina_the_Cat 5/3/2021 - 9:02 pm

Look at the flowers, the waves, the sand… The flowers that bloom today will wither soon. The waves that rise will become small again. The sand that stays will be blown away by the wind. Everything that is will change location and form; it will move and not be remembered. Thus functions the natural world. Does it make it all meaningless? No, of course not! The fragility of existence reveals us how precious it is. Fellow mortal, do not despair, but use your one life to take care of your immortal soul. Your life doesn’t have to be recorded to matter. It’s ok to be average. It’s ok to be forgotten. It’s ok to strive but never thrive. The struggle is worth it, for it is beautiful. Stay safe, my dear! Love from Canada. 🙂

rywa 5/4/2021 - 5:08 am

I’m not so sure the struggle is worth it. If there is pain every day how could it be? I don’t believe in souls. I agree it is okay to be average and to be forgotten. But I am not okay with suffering endlessly for no reason. I’m not sure that anyone deserves or does not deserve anything.

I appreciate your thoughts, thank you for sharing them.

I’m also Canadian, though I have lived in the US for about 5 years now. Was hoping that move would help me, but no luck.

Christina_the_Cat 5/4/2021 - 3:48 pm

Greetings, fellow Canadian! 😉 It’s great to find another Canadian here.
You made some interesting points. Now that I think about it, you’re right about “deserving”. It’s hard to say someone does or doesn’t “deserve” something. Nobody is just or unjust. Human morality cannot be explained in black and white terms, for we’ve all got our shades of grey.
Me too, I often feel like the struggle is not worth it. But I don’t believe that we suffer endlessly for no reason. Pain is part of life, but so are happiness, beauty, creativity, solidarity, love… And maybe we can give a meaning to our existence and the hardships that are part of it. That way, it might become less unbearable.
Maybe the fact that we don’t know if it’s worth it makes it worth it. There are so many mysteries in the universe. What can we do but wonder and seek to discover more?
I have lots of questions about everything. I hope my optimism is not too annoying.
Stay safe! 🙂

existential404 5/4/2021 - 5:43 pm

I know what you mean. I don’t see how the struggle is worth it either. I don’t think life is meaningless exactly — I think there is something to be had in exploring the natural world, climbing a mountain, writing a song or a story or whatever, even if no one else ever knows about it. Does that make all the pain worth it, though? No, at least not to me.

rywa 5/4/2021 - 6:05 pm

I don’t think it is worth it, either. Which I suppose is why I find myself here.

There is a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl who was a Holocaust survivor. It is probably the most interesting thing I have read on the subject.

The answer of course differs for everyone. For me, if I believed I could be happy one day it may be worth it. But I just don’t believe that.

existential404 5/4/2021 - 6:15 pm

I’ve read that book. It was 8-10 years ago, though, when I had a lot more hope. If I read it again now I’d probably see it a lot differently.

Christina_the_Cat 5/3/2021 - 9:04 pm

I hope you’ll feel better one day because you deserve it. What you did at 16 was brave!

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