As I talk about often, I’m a shadow of who I once was. That’s this era; shadow me going through the motions waiting to find a way out. The problem is that I’m screwed up. I lean in somewhat. I own that my nerves are shaky, and there is at least one day of the week that I need industrial strength sedatives to get through. It still gets worse.
So, we’re wrapping up the month, and suddenly I have to make a major task out of getting to all my clients. Right, that’s the script this week; run around, screw a reasonable amount up so that they don’t suspect that I have enough together, and we’re good right? Not that simple. My therapist was sick, didn’t come to my appointment today. I’m realizing that I am more dependant on these things. It’s nice to have some rational feedback. Now I have to do without that too.
No parents, no therapist, all that’s left to me is drugs. Damn good drugs, but it is yet to be seen whether it will be enough, and worse yet it is yet to be seen if it matters to me.